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How to Relate in Your Relationship

relating in relationshipCommunication is one of the vital keys that unlock the doors to relationship success. The first part of the word relationship is RELATE, which means to connect. The last part is SHIP which is to transport or convey. Connections with others are made by establishing messages that are clearly understood by all parties. In the communication process there is the Sender, the Receiver, and the Message. Then outside of that there is the Interference. The goal is to eliminate the interference as to ensure that the message being sent by the sender is the actual message that the receiver receives.

A person’s orientation of mind, way of thinking, or manner of processing information can interfere with the message and hinder the intended message from getting to the receiver un-altered. Likewise, the same is true when a sender sends a message that is not in the language that the receiver would understand. Both conditions create interference. Therefore during the process of relating and communicating with your mate, it becomes necessary for both of you to make a paradigm shift in order to create a sphere of understanding. Understanding is a major factor in the lines of communication being open. Lack of understanding is the biggest cause of interference in the communication process, and the biggest factor in why communication breaks down.

Where there is mutual understanding, two people in a relationship are able to grasp the idea of their mate because they have taken the time to learn how their partner processes information. In other words, they speak their mate’s language and convey information that is readily understood by the one to whom they are speaking. Couples must learn to speak each other’s language.

One day I had a conversation with a man, he was telling me that his wife like most women nags. While to him his wife nags, to her she reminds her husband of things. He shared with me a situation where his wife asked him to fix something that needed to be glued. He told her he would fix it. He then saw an advertisement about some really fantastic glue that he wanted to get and use. Logically, this was the best glue and he knew he could really satisfy and please his wife by using this particular glue. Also, as gadget man, most men usually are, he believed he would also get some pleasure out of the project. For him a win-win was to use this specific glue. She wasn’t thinking in terms of win-win, she wanted it done.

His fore thought was to make his wife happy. He was excited about the glue because, “oh boy” here was another fantastic thing he could try. The only catch was he had to order the glue and it would take about three weeks to get it. No problem right? He knew how long it would take to get glue. He believed it to be a reasonable amount of time, and it probably was. The problem is he failed to communicate this small bit of information to his wife. Therefore, she kept reminding him to fix what she had asked him to fix. He felt she was nagging him about it and she felt that he was just taking his time about getting it done.

Now, if the lines of communication were actually opened between the two, he would have said to her something like, “Honey, I want to fix that for you and I am actually excited about using this glue to fix it. However, it will take about three weeks for me to get it, but as soon as it arrives I will fix this.”

Now, the wife may not necessarily want to wait the three weeks, but she most likely would have because she would’ve been clear on when the issue would be resolved and that’s all that mattered to her. She just wanted it done; she didn’t care how he did it, “just get it done.” Had she known when he would fix it and why, there would have been no need to keep reminding him. Had he told her what he was waiting on to fix it, he would not have been subjected to her “nagging,” at least not on that issue anyway.

On the flip side, the wife could have asked something like, “Honey, why is it taking so long to fix this?” That would have opened the door for him to say what the situation was. So the lack of understanding between the two is because the sender didn’t send the message clearly, and the receiver who was waiting on the message didn’t stop and say, “Hey what’s going on?”

Communication is a two way exchange and must be void of assumptions and presumptions because often both are incorrect. As I explained to the gentleman, generally speaking, when women raise the same issue all the time or complain about the same thing over and over again, men consider this to be nagging. Yet for women, what men view as nagging, is often either intended as reminders, pleas to accomplish task, requests to keep their word, or indication that additional information is required.

In the absence of communication several factors cause interference in the relationship, and the only way to remove that interference is to take the time to convey information back and forth until there is mutual understanding. Many couples lack the patience to communicate thoroughly as such. However, successful ones make it a point to communicate in this manner and consistently look for ways to keep the lines of communication open in their relationship.

TO DO’s in Your Relationship

• Remove walls and barriers between the two of you.

• Discuss things as they come up, don’t let them pile up.

• Remember that your spouse or partner is not your adversary or someone you have to win against. Create a win-win. It’s important that both come out on top together.

• Use non-threatening forms of communication. Avoid being defensive and judgmental.

• Be compassionate and understanding. Learn what makes your mate tick.

• Be open and honest. Be trusting and trustworthy with one another. Be vulnerable to each other and protective of each other.

• Seek to understand your mate over being understood, then structure your message in a manner in which they will understand it.

• Don’t blame your partner when there is a breakdown. Look at how you can improve your message.

• Make time to relate. Do not let others run interference with that time including social media, children, family members, work, church, or friends.

• Widen your sphere of understanding. Create safe spaces and common grounds.

• Practice talking daily about non-threatening matters to improve communication and build bridges between each other.

• Listen to your mate through your heart.

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Winning in Marriage

In a marriage, you are bound to have ups and downs. Nothing is peachy one hundred percent of the time. We all have had to or may be now confronted with having to fight some type of battle that might be weighing on you that is a source of stress on your marriage relationship and/or household. Let me say this to you … when you fight, fight to win and take no prisoners! Remember the enemy’s tactics have always been the same … “Steal, kill, and destroy” and “Divide and Conquer.”winning at marriage photo So, be that as it may, don’t fall for the okey doke! When fighting to win, be aware that you and your mate are on the same team. I don’t care how much they get on your nerves or how mad at them you may be, when you are fighting to win, you must put your personal “feelings” to one side, roll up your sleeves, and handle your business – TOGETHER!

Sometimes things can get pretty tough; but when you and your mate close the gap and band together (you know that cleaving stuff the Good Book talks about), you can really shut it down. No half azz stepping. Take that sneaker … you know the one and what to do with it … and “Just Do It!” There is nothing more powerful than love and unity in a marriage, and when the world seems to be against you, that is when you must step it up and show the world that nope it ain’t happening here!

Close your ranks so tight that those who do not mean you or your relationship well will understand with no shadow of a doubt that your marriage is built on the foundation of Love and the Creator is the principle guide in your union. And anyone or anything that gets in the way and attempts to steal your joy and your energy will get that sneaker right where the “sun don’t shine” and you know what I mean.

See if God is for you, who can be against you?

In life, sometimes there are many hurdles to jump. Marriages are no different.  The life of your relationship may have many hurdles to jump. But the question is what are you going to do about it? Are you going to give up the race or are you going to go ahead and jump the hurdles and make it to the finish line. Marriage is not a race for the faint at heart. Marriage takes endurance. Endurance is the ability to bear suffering. Now the truth is most of the “suffering” in marriages is a result of two factors.

  1. The inability or unwillingness of individuals in the relationship to make necessary adjustments; and
  1. External forces.

Often the above happens simultaneously. However, if a couple leaves and cleave and are willing to make the necessary adjustments as they come up, the couple can overcome anything that challenges their union. These challenges may not be direct attacks against the marriage itself. They could be indirect attacks by way of various issues that raise the level of stress in the marriage such as outside battles that impact the calm and flow of the union. Consequently, as a result of the level of energy it may take to resolve those issues, the couple may get impatient with one another, get frustrated, lose themselves in the fight, or even start to communicate in less loving ways to each other as a result of being irritable. When there is inundation of external drama to contend with, it can be exhausting and completely drain your energy that it makes it hard for you to focus on anything else. But, that is the goal of these types of marriage vampires. They seek to suck the life out of you and your marriage. So it is up to you and your mate to bust that S#!t up.

So, attention couples … prepare to fight and win!

  1. Remember that the enemy is not your mate. The real enemy lies outside. Do not allow the outside to rule inside. Allow your union and home to be your bunker!
  1. Get organized and work as a team to address issues as they arise and operate in the area of your strength. FLOW together. Do not make hasty moves that would put you or your mate in harm’s way. Have each other’s back.
  1. GET PLENTY OF REST!!!! I cannot stress that enough. No one can effectively fight battles when they are deprived of needed rest.
  1. DRINK PLENTY OF WATER!!!! This is very important. It may not seem to be at first, but when you start the process of getting the proper amount of water for your body you will most definitely see a difference in how you feel and perform.
  1. The last thing on this list, but definitely not all there is, and that is to BREATHE!!!!

If you are not going to fight to win, you might as well stay at home. Those who are going to war with this negative energy attacking your union and family, I say to you … put your marriage “dukes” up and as Will Downing says, “Let LOVE do what it do.”

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Creating an Extraordinary Marriage

Barack_and_Michelle_Obama_watching_a_wedding-600x400Marriage is one of those amazing conditions that require struggle; and sometimes the challenges faced can be so overwhelming that you may want to throw in the towel and give up. However, the many hurdles you encounter in your relationship can be overcome when there are two willing parties who desire harmony and two willing parties willing and able to make the necessary adjustments. Further, couples can be victorious over great odds when they take responsibility for their marriage and be accountable for how they relate to one another.

Things to Consider as you Prepare to Take Responsibility for Your Marriage

  • Your willingness and the course of action you take to modify counterproductive behaviors which hinder you from accomplishing your goal as a couple to stay together, is key.
  • A prepared and committed mind is a mind that has been made up. When you make up your mind to make your marriage work, only then can you begin to tackle the problems that threaten or weaken it.
  • A healthy marriage takes two people working collectively and cooperatively together and both saying, “I will,” then do.
  • “No one has ever won a race, they haven’t run; nor completed a task they haven’t begun.”

From Ordinary to Extraordinary by ATIYA

As I outline in the book, From Ordinary to Extraordinary, “Although struggle happens when working to accomplish something worthy, preparation helps you to put yourself in proper condition or readiness for the undertaking you are embarking upon. Putting yourself in proper condition entails setting your mind and firmly fixing your intentions to complete the task at hand. Preparation calls for you to completely make up your mind to accomplish the assignment and to cut off whatever is necessary in order to be successful.”

Responsibility and Accountability Factor 1: You must cut off those things that hinder your relationship. For example, in a relationship dynamic, a couple may be facing alcoholism, physical or emotional abuse, neglect, workaholic tendencies, poor communication. The list can go on. However, unless the husband and wife modify their behavior, they will continue in a vicious cycle of more of the same and sometimes worse.

“During the course of marriage, the couple may be faced with a variety of challenges. Further, they may be confronted with matters, which will require them to make some very difficult decisions. In marriage, making a commitment requires them, as outlined in the vows, to forsake all others, and sometimes the decisions that may need to be made can be very painful.”

Responsibility and Accountability Factor 2: “Some decisions can be very difficult, yet to forsake all others means to give up, refuse, deny, decline, or leave altogether. Within the context of the commitment in marriage, anything that threatens or weakens the bond between husband and wife; causes abandonment or isolation of one spouse from the other; jeopardizes the unity of the couple; robs husband and/or wife of marital bliss, peace or joy; causes unnecessary friction or is a nuisance; or anything else that becomes a threat to the longevity and success of the marriage, must be re-evaluated and a firm decision made with respect to that which is causing harm or the threat of harm to exist.”

“The marriage becomes priority due to the commitment made. The aim or objective is for the couple to stay together. However, in staying together, a focus must also be on keeping the marriage relationship in the same or better condition as when it first began. In order to achieve the goal intended for the marriage, both husband and wife must heavily incline toward one another. They must create habits of mind and adhere to practices which preserves the marriage, protects it against attack, and supports its continued existence. Also, both husband and wife must make adjustments when and where necessary in order to adhere to principles that will keep them fixed in the direction of their goal – A life-long marital commitment and marital bliss.”

Responsibility and Accountability Factor 3: “A couple’s tendencies, activities, responses, actions and circumstances must be in accordance with honesty, trust, sincerity, fairness, lawfulness of purpose, and absent of any intent to defraud or act maliciously. Their relationship must be clear of behaviors that are harmful and injurious; otherwise it is characterized as abuse and abuse, physical or otherwise, makes it very difficult to sustain a marriage.”

“Abuse is improper and gross misuse of the marriage relationship. It must be eliminated immediately because it undermines and attacks the very core of the marriage threatening the life of the marriage and the two people in the marriage relationship. A marriage is unable to thrive when abuse exists, whether it is physical, verbal, emotional, or mental.

When an abusive situation occurs, it must be immediately corrected. Abusive behavior creates an unhealthy environment and compromises the integrity of the marriage.

Responsibility and Accountability Factor 4: In marriage couples are sometimes confronted with decisions they have to make that are very difficult. Abusive situations are one of those situations. When abuse continues to exist in a relationship and is not corrected, the decision to leave the marriage may be the only alternative, and this too can be a very painful decision.

“Staying the course with respect to any goal is possible. It may sometimes be tough, but it’s possible. Your desire to attain your goal must be greater than the challenges that may come up as you are working to reach it. Keeping your focus might sometimes seem like an impossible feat, especially as obstacles arise. However, although it is not always easy to achieve something of value, you can achieve what you will, just continue pressing on until you reach the mark!

Responsibility and Accountability Factor 5: Married couples must be willing to take responsibility for their marriage and do what is necessary to sustain it. Pride, ego, stubbornness, insecurities, or any other stumbling blocks can be eliminated with a willing heart and the commitment to do what is necessary. Both husband and wife are accountable for their own behavior; and the way they behave must be with all due consideration to their partner and their partner’s well-being.

“To commit, is to emotionally and morally engage. When one emotionally and morally engages, they become involved with, bind themselves to and hold fast to that which they are committed. Further, they attach their feelings and emotions to the matter and shape their behavior in a practical and applicable way as to not weaken the bond to that which they have committed.”

In other words, make the necessary changes to change your condition, take responsibility for your marriage and be accountable for the energy you put into it.

Excerpts in this article are from ATIYA’s book, From Ordinary to Extraordinary. For more information on purchasing this book, please visit the book section of her website at www.themarriagetree.net

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Sexual Energy – Dec. 6, 2015

Sexual Energy

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CALL FOR ACTION: Domestic Violence & Abuse

Domestic Violence and Abuse Call For Action Panel jpeg - Thursday-November 5, 2015https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9hq1RnzlQ04

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How to Help Your Man Go From Unemployed to Super Hero

superdog 2Ladies. Listen up! What you may call a bum or lazy dog is really a “Wonder Dog” in the making and simply needs you to help him tap into his “puppy power.”

The number one way to support a man when he is searching for a job, unemployed, or haven’t quite figured things out, is to encourage him and “big up” his gifts and talents. Men need to be admired and appreciated and made all over. When a woman consistently reinforces his worth and value as a man and remind him of all the things she admires and appreciates about him, it helps to give him the necessary drive and positive energy to do more and better.

The worst thing to do is criticize him. Instead, reaffirm that he is still the man and remind him that it is not about finding a job or role that he is worthy of, but rather discovering one that perhaps might be worthy of him. Remind him that his time and energy is just as valuable as the one seeking to hire an employee and any company or organization would be foolish not to take the opportunity to work with such a fantastic and brilliant man.

It’s important to understand that men often equate their value by the size of their pockets, and when many feel that they do not measure up, they may project their own feelings of lack of self-worth and insecurity on their mate, especially if their mate is a girl that rocks and manifesting in the financial department!

During a time when a man is out of work, many become resentful and will tend to project their disappointments and frustration on their wives or mates. This is not a rule, but passing blame happens. In this dynamic, a woman has to be mature, and put on her big girl draws and not make it about her but make the situation about what her man needs, and then what the household needs. She determines the positive energy flow in the house and therefore must not allow herself to succumb to negativity or react to it when it presents its ugly head.

While it is not helpful for a woman to help her man “look” for a job unless he specifically asks her to do that, she can give him encouraging space, meaning the room for him to see his greatness and then take responsibility to transform his situation. She can motivate and inspire him to have a fantastic outlook on finding something that is suitable to him by reminding him of what he is good at during regular conversations with him. She can “plant the seeds of positivity” as he figures it out. She can encourage him to do something he has always wanted to do and even inspire him to not just “look” for a job but consider “creating” one for himself.

How to Help Your Man Go From Unemployed to Super Hero by:

  • Ask him what you can do to help and be willing to follow through.
  • Write a letter of recommendation or reference on his behalf.
  • Validate his gifts and talents and vouch for him.
  • Help make the process of becoming employed a fun one and help him to view it as an amazing and new opportunity to create the life he chooses, rather than a stressful time.
  • Clear off the kitchen or dining room table and help him plan a strategy for self-employment or business that you are willing to invest in either with your time, talent, and/or your resources.

There are so many creative ways to support a man when he is out of work and help him to have a healthy outlook in his situation. Yet one of the biggest keys is to let him know without a shadow of a doubt that the money or job does not make the man but the character of the man is what makes a man and that no matter who out there does not believe in him, that you believe in him and together the two of you can get through it!

http://www.themarriagetree.net

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Grenada National Casting Call

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Ingram and Atiya along with guest Fragrance Francique will select 30-50 people to become part of a team to produce several film and media projects.
This is an OPEN CALL for pre and post production teams and talent. All ages.
What to Bring: Resume/CV, Composite/Photo with contact details, Good Attitude and a SMILE.
Place: Grenada Trade Center
Start Time:8:00 a.m.
MUST ARRIVE BEFORE 10:00 a.m. TO BE SEEN. (Be prepared to spend some time)
For more information, please contact Ingram and Atiya at auditions@ingramandatiya.com or Sheldon Bailey at sheldonbailey@gmail.com
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Keeping the Lines of Communication Open

communicationCommunication is one of the vital keys that unlock the doors to relationship success. The first part of the word relationship is RELATE, which means to connect. The last part is SHIP which is to transport or convey. Connections with others are made by establishing messages that are clearly understood by all parties. In the communication process there is the Sender, the Receiver, and the Message. Then outside of that there is the Interference. The goal is to eliminate the interference as to ensure that the message being sent by the sender is the actual message that the receiver receives.

A person’s orientation of mind, way of thinking, or manner of processing information can interfere with the message and hinder the intended message from getting to the receiver un-altered. Likewise, the same is true when a sender sends a message that is not in the language that the receiver would understand. Both conditions create interference. Therefore during the process of relating and communicating with your mate, it becomes necessary for both of you to make a paradigm shift in order to create a sphere of understanding. Understanding is a major factor in the lines of communication being open. Lack of understanding is the biggest cause of interference in the communication process, and the biggest factor in why communication breaks down.

Where there is mutual understanding, two people in a relationship are able to grasp the idea of their mate because they have taken the time to learn how their partner processes information. In other words, they speak their mate’s language and convey information that is readily understood by the one to whom they are speaking. Couples must learn to speak each other’s language.

One day I had a conversation with a man, he was telling me that his wife like most women nags. While to him his wife nags, to her she reminds her husband of things. He shared with me a situation where his wife asked him to fix something that needed to be glued. He told her he would fix it. He then saw an advertisement about some really fantastic glue that he wanted to get and use. Logically, this was the best glue and he knew he could really satisfy and please his wife by using this particular glue. Also, as gadget man, most men usually are, he believed he would also get some pleasure out of the project. For him a win-win was to use this specific glue. She wasn’t thinking in terms of win-win, she wanted it done.

His fore thought was to make his wife happy. He was excited about the glue because, “oh boy” here was another fantastic thing he could try. The only catch was he had to order the glue and it would take about three weeks to get it. No problem right? He knew how long it would take to get glue. He believed it to be a reasonable amount of time, and it probably was. The problem is he failed to communicate this small bit of information to his wife. Therefore, she kept reminding him to fix what she had asked him to fix. He felt she was nagging him about it and she felt that he was just taking his time about getting it done.

Now, if the lines of communication were actually opened between the two, he would have said to her something like, “Honey, I want to fix that for you and I am actually excited about using this glue to fix it. However, it will take about three weeks for me to get it, but as soon as it arrives I will fix this.”

Now, the wife may not necessarily want to wait the three weeks, but she most likely would have because she would’ve been clear on when the issue would be resolved and that’s all that mattered to her. She just wanted it done; she didn’t care how he did it, “just get it done.” Had she known when he would fix it and why, there would have been no need to keep reminding him. Had he told her what he was waiting on to fix it, he would not have been subjected to her “nagging,” at least not on that issue anyway.

On the flip side, the wife could have asked something like, “Honey, why is it taking so long to fix this?” That would have opened the door for him to say what the situation was. So the lack of understanding between the two is because the sender didn’t send the message clearly, and the receiver who was waiting on the message didn’t stop and say, “Hey what’s going on?”

Communication is a two way exchange and must be void of assumptions and presumptions because often both are incorrect. As I explained to the gentleman, generally speaking, when women raise the same issue all the time or complain about the same thing over and over again, men consider this to be nagging. Yet for women, what men view as nagging, is often either intended as reminders, pleas to accomplish task, requests to keep their word, or indication that additional information is required.

In the absence of communication several factors cause interference in the relationship, and the only way to remove that interference is to take the time to convey information back and forth until there is mutual understanding. Many couples lack the patience to communicate thoroughly as such. However, successful ones make it a point to communicate in this manner and consistently look for ways to keep the lines of communication open in their relationship.

Ways to Open the Lines of Communication

• Remove walls and barriers between the two of you.

• Discuss things as they come up, don’t let them pile up.

• Remember that your spouse or partner is not your adversary or someone you have to win against. Create a win-win. It’s important that both come out on top together.

• Use non-threatening forms of communication. Avoid being defensive and judgmental.

• Be compassionate and understanding. Learn what makes your mate tick.

• Be open and honest. Be trusting and trustworthy with one another. Be vulnerable to each other and protective of each other.

• Seek to understand your mate over being understood, then structure your message in a manner in which they will understand it.

• Don’t blame your partner when there is a breakdown. Look at how you can improve your message.

• Make time to relate. Do not let others run interference with that time including social media, children, family members, work, church, or friends.

• Widen your sphere of understanding. Create safe spaces and common grounds.

• Practice talking daily about non-threatening matters to improve communication and build bridges between each other.

• Listen to your mate through your heart.

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Fighting Fair in Your Relationship

fight fairIn the past, I have actually coached a couple who right there in front of me, got into an all out drug out war of words. For all intended purposes, the way they went at it, I might as well had popped some popcorn, got a coca cola, put my feet up, sat back and watched the entertainment. This couple acted such a fool. They went from name calling, playing the dozens to things being drug up from another lifetime. This couple argued about everything, and the arguments would start over something like, “Stop leaving your shoes in the middle of the floor.”

Some couples fight over the silliest matters but claim to love one another. However some of the immature exchanges and the foul way they handle each other leads me to ask the question, “What’s love got to do with it?”

Couples who behave in this manner fail to realize that they cannot take words back. Sure, they can apologize later, but the damage has already been done and the words have already made a deep impact. If you are one of those couples where one or both of you get so angry that you storm out of the house, name call, talk about his mama or her baby daddy of the baby that you’re not the daddy of , hurl insults or stonewall or attack your partner’s character then you are NOT FIGHTING FAIR. Further, ultimately your FOUL way of communicating will destroy your relationship or marriage.

First let me say that it is natural and healthy to argue. Arguing is no more than simply expressing your reasoning for or against a matter. It is healthy because through loving instances of discourse, very important communication is taking place. The problem is when people become disrespectful in the process and take the conversation out of the “safe zone.” (i.e. Name calling, yelling, playing the dozens, stonewalling, mocking, invalidating, etc.).

Stonewalling is not talking to your mate at all or not listening to your mate. Women usually stonewall by giving their partner the silent treatment. Men usually stonewall by totally refusing to listen or interact. Yet in these battles for power and winning, everyone loses – the husband, the wife and the children. Also, family and friends lose because they are often put in the middle or end up having to listen to the madness. It becomes very messy and in these types of situations, everyone’s hands get dirty. What they say about misery loving company, doesn’t even adequately describe what it looks like when husband and wife lose all sense of civility when fighting.

While fighting is a normal part of any healthy relationship, there is a healthy way to fight. So here are eight ways that will help a couple keep their relationship on track during an argument.

8 Ways to Keep an Argument Healthy

1. Open Your Discussion in Prayer – Opening your discussion in prayer will invoke a higher principle in the mix and help to temper both people in the exchange.

2. Use the LTL Formula – The Listen-Talk-Listen formula ensures that both parties will listen twice as much as they talk. Steven Covey in his book, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, provides a habit that couples can adopt. “Seek first to understand, and then be understood.” If you and your mate practice just that one habit, there will be a whole lot more understanding in the relationship.

3. Create a Safe Emotional Space for Communicating – It’s important to create an emotionally safe space for your mate to be able to communicate. This is the responsibility for both people. Safety means no yelling, no character attacks, no blaming (you did this or you did that…), no invalidating (that’s stupid, silly, or crazy), no stonewalling, and no judging each other. Remember that your mate is not the problem, the problem is the problem. Make the problem the enemy not your mate. So the two of you can attack the problem as a united front.

4. Use “I Feel” and Avoid Extremes Such as “You Always” or “You Never” – When you use the words, “I feel” as opposed to you did this or you did that, it removes the defense mechanisms that people automatically put up when they feel they are being attacked. Also avoid extremes such as “always” or “never.” Extremes are usually an over exaggeration of the truth.

5. Don’t Interrupt – It is important to listen to your mate and not interrupt them or talk across them. If necessary, put time frames on bringing a discussion and put a time frame on rebuttals and go back and forth until an agreement can be reached. Even if you end up not seeing eye-to-eye, agree on how you will handle the matter in the future.

6. Use a Trigger Word – Trigger words or also referred to as “Safe Words.” They are words such as time-out, pause, stop, or uncle. The purpose of these words is to invoke them during an argument that is beginning to escalate out of control. The agreed upon word is used consistently when necessary during discussions to allow the two of you to cool down, then come back to the conversation. The timeframe for the pause or time-out may be 15-minutes, 30-minutes or an hour. It all depends on what you agree to. However, the two of you must come back to the discussion to resolve the matter.

7. Address Issues as They Come Up – It is important not to let anger build up. Discuss things while they are small instead of waiting until they blow out of proportion. Also avoid going to bed angry. Resolve your matters promptly so that they don’t become bigger than what they would have been if you had addressed them early on.

8. Ask Your Mate Resolution Questions – It is both natural and important to discuss the problems in a relationship thoroughly. Yet, once the problem has clearly been outlined from both perspectives, it is critical that both of you move the discussion to a problem-solving format. In other words, just don’t complain about it, now work together to do something about it. An example of a resolution question is, “Honey, how can I help so that you don’t feel that way?”

There are many things that happen in a relationship which triggers an argument or fight between couples. It happens; but just because you had a fight is not cause to be concerned. The time to be concerned is when the fighting and argument goes afoul. So couples remember to argue in the best manner and in a loving way. Remember that your mate is your ally, not your enemy. If you have been fighting in an unfair manner, make a paradigm shift and evolve your relationship to a more healthy state.

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Response to a Comment on 7 Mindsets that Hinder Black Men From Relationship Success

small photo for spreakerRecently, Ingram Jones wrote an article that is posted on Black Life Coaches Network entitled, 7 Mindsets that Hinder Black Men From Relationship Success. This article has apparently stirred up some folks and now their britches aren’t quite touching their behind. SMILE.

Normally I would only respond to a comment when it warrants it in the forum where the comment was posted and where the article is published. However, one comment on his article required in my observation a more expanded response as the very subject matter that Ingram was touching on drew such anger form one woman in particular, and I was puzzled as to why? Seven Mindsets that Hinder Black Men From Relationship Success in my opinion was an article in defense of Black women. yet one woman was so angry about the article that she even resorted to name-calling.

So, I am asking all of you to please take the time to read the article, and give your feedback on it. Ms. Diallo suggested the article did not belong in a forum about Black male and female relationships. What are your thoughts on that? Let’s open this up for discussion.

In the meantime, below please see the comment posted about the article by Ms. Diallo, and my response to her.

Comment posted by Chantaey Renee’ Diallo:

“Diaspora pertains to Black people of African descent dispersed throughout the world, mostly because of slavery! How dare you use the term to describe your nasty, dirty, sexual hellbaths with every type of female racial dog under the sun! Nobody is impressed with your weak, ugly choices and diversities of perversion and it has no place in a forum about Black male-female relationships! Be gone!”

Response Posted by ATIYA – The Marriage Tree:

“Ms. Chantaey Renee’ Diallo,

I am not sure of the root of your anger or your bitterness about the article that was very well articulated by my husband. However, perhaps you misunderstood it. As we know, words have many meanings and can take on shape depending on the orientation of mind of the one who hears or read them. I would recommend that perhaps you do some soul searching to explore why you are so angry over the article that was specifically geared toward men and a response to the article that I wrote., The Five Mindsets that Hinder Black Women from Relationship Success.

The term Diaspora while in most case understandings may refer to Black people that were dispersed or scattered throughout the world as a result of slavery; however that is not the only meaning of the word or the only correct reference of it. The etymological root of the word diaspora is to scatter about, disperse, or across. The context in which my husband used the word is not only grammatically correct, it is accurate. Perhaps you are overly sensitive about the word itself as a result of having a limited understanding of it, have some deeper seated issues regarding Black men who date other “races,” or have a deeper issue with respect to men in general. Perhaps you should read my article, The Five Mindsets that Hinder Black Women From Relationship Success.

The article written by Ingram Jones is most definitely in the correct forum,and your response to it verifies that it is! With all due respect, as a strong Black Woman of integrity, character, and substance who is no doubt walking in purpose and married to an amazing man of character, integrity, and substance, it is my observation that perhaps you might want to go within to discover some things that perhaps may need addressing because your manner of reproach perpetuates the very issue that you appear to be sensitive about.

When articulating your position in such forums. It is one thing to intelligently state your case in a respectful and dignified manner, but to be blatantly disrespectful and abusive to resort to name-calling and character assassination is not only immature, but it is a manifestation of something else. Your problem is not with Ingram’s article but rather one with self, and that is something that you will have to work out. In the meantime, when responding to articles that you may not necessarily agree with, it is your right to do so and actually makes for some wonderful dialogue. However when doing so you may want to exercise some self-control, self-mastery, and more importantly some respect.”

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