Real Talk About Relationships and Married Life

Posts tagged ‘separation’

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Happy 7th Birthday J.J.

Birthday card for J.J.

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Trying to Find My Way

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Dear Atiya,

I will get straight to the point. I have been in a relationship with my husband for 17 years and married for five of those years. I knew him from when we were kids at school and I met him again when I had just ended my first marriage. To cut a long story short I now realize that I just do not love him. I have tried everything from date nights to going away for special weekends which he loves and enjoys but I can just about tolerate them! I would love to love him but it is not happening and as the years go by I feel like something in my soul is dying and I am scared that I will never get back my spark or feel again what it truly means to love someone with heart, body and soul and still be myself, (Especially at my age 44!)

I am constantly at war with myself. Yes it would be so easy to get up and leave because I am an independent woman but honestly feel there is an element of fear because as much as I am so unhappy I do think there is a certain dependency there after so many years? We had separated recently and it was a mutual decision but he moved literally around the corner and kept coming to the house, bearing gifts, doing things around the house and calling almost constantly so eventually I just gave in and he returned. We bought a house together, so here I am back to square one and he thinks that I am not trying but I have no more fight left in me. The cold truth is that he loves me and I just don’t love him. How do I get back to me? The happy loving person I have not seen in years and get rid of this angry, miserable person? I so desperately want my shine back!! Thank you for taking the time out to read this letter, stay blessed.

– SO DESPERATELY LOST AND UNHAPPY!!!

Dear So Desperately Lost and Unhappy:

Thank you for your letter. No one can make you love someone that you just do not love. Everyone has the right to be happy. Now, with that being said, it sounds as if you do not know exactly what you want, and no one is to blame for your casualties of war but you. You may not have any more fight left in you, but it is not fair to emotionally abandon your mate and your marriage. If you do not like the person that you have become, then I would suggest that you decide what you want and stick to your decision. Stop playing games with someone else’s heart because of your own inability to be honest and straightforward. You say you do not love him, but my question to you is, “Do you even love yourself?” Another question I would pose is this, “Is there another man?” and yet a third question is, “Are you sure you even want to be married?”

You want to know how to get back to the loving person that you have not seen in years and get rid of the angry, miserable person? Start by telling the truth to yourself and your mate. Marriage is a serious commitment. It is designed to be a lifetime barring abuse, infidelity and other serious issues that destroy the health and life of the marriage. However, some marriages survive those issues as well.

I cannot tell you to leave or stay. That is for you to decide. What I will say is this. Your husband appears to be making every effort to hold up his vows. You did not mention him being unkind to you. You did not mention him being unfaithful. You did not mention him being abusive or problems he has that is destroying your love for him. As a matter of fact, the way you described him, leads anyone to believe he is a pretty good man that any woman would be blessed to call husband. The marriage relationship has its ups and downs, its ins and outs. It goes through cycles and seasons. It is not always, whirlwind romance. It is up to the couples to make their marriage blissful, and it takes work on both the husband’s and the wife’s part.

Remember, the decision you make impacts not only you. It impacts your husband, your family, friends, and any children that the two of you may have. So before taking any drastic measures, my advice to you is to get counseling for your marriage; get counseling for yourself; and take a good long hard look in the mirror and be sure of what you really want before walking out that door. That grass is not always greener on the other side. Grass is greener because it gets watered.

– Atiya

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