In this episode of StraightForward Talk with Atiya, she discusses the mindset needed for a healthy marriage relationship.
I was asked the other day, “What happens if you don’t love yourself before getting married, then during the course of the marriage you start to love yourself?” I had to think for a moment, so I told that person that they just inspired my next article. So, here it is.
Before you can adequately express and demonstrate love for anyone else, you must first have a love and appreciation for yourself. When entering an intimate relationship, particularly marriage which is designed to be for a lifetime, it is very important that you have a good sense of self. Because if you don’t, you run the risk of making a connection that in the long run does not benefit you or your destiny. Further, you may make a choice that ultimately will hinder you from being able to effectively execute the vision for your life or The One’s vision for your life.
If you get married, and during the course of your marriage, you develop a greater sense of self and begin to love yourself more, that is a beautiful thing. This epiphany will most definitely help you to clarify things and in some cases place you at a crossroads or in the valley of decision. One of two things will happen when you start to love yourself.
1. You will learn to appreciate and value your spouse more as a result of you developing a better sense of who you are and learning to love and appreciate yourself; or
2. You will come to the realization that you deserve much better than what is presently in your life and make the decision to move on with your life without your current mate in it.
I discuss this in my book, From Ordinary to Extraordinary, yet more profoundly in Chapter 1: Knowing and Embracing Who You Are; and Chapter 3: Learning to Love the You That You Discover.
Excerpt Chapter 1:
“The journey to greatness begins with knowing and accepting who you really are. To know you is to experience you. Life gives you those experiences, whether positive or negative. To find joy and contentment, it’s necessary to go within the essence of your being. To find acceptance, you must learn the many aspects of yourself and embrace the diversity within, seeking to completely understand the fascinating being of who you are. Only when you have learned to accept every aspect of yourself, including your so-called flaws, will you begin to see a glimpse of your destiny. It is your absolute truth.
Succumbing to fear, worthlessness, envy and an overwhelming need to please others is the act of holding back. It interferes with your ability to get to know yourself and the Ultimate Self. It is possible to find the “flawless” beauty within. However, it takes you looking into that proverbial mirror, which may sometimes be very difficult. Once you finally take a look, developing a high regard for what you see, may sometimes be very difficult…”
Excerpt Chapter 2:
“…Loving yourself is a necessary step to loving others. Before you can grow to appreciate and love yourself, you must first come into the knowledge of who you are and your connection to the Ultimate Self. Only through a recognition of and proper relationship with the Ultimate Self are you able to accept yourself as you are at any given moment.
Once you travel through the many experiences that life can offer, you’ll develop more of an appreciation and love for even some of the simplest of things. Authentic love starts with a connection to the Ultimate Self and the accomplishment of what you agreed to do in the context of that relationship. Some may refer to it as duty. Duty is that which you gave your word to fulfill. Thus, in the context of relationships, it is your word which makes you duty-bound, responsible, and accountable. True and authentic love is divine love. Divine love is based on principles carried into action on a consistent and continual basis.
Love is the ultimate law of the universe. It is inspiration in the creative process. Love is not simply an emotion that drives your impulses. It is decisive. To love is to live life. To love is to become one with THE ONE. In order to love completely, we must eliminate the vices of the world that we tend to grasp for fear of losing control.”
It’s important to note that because one does not love themselves prior to marriage, does not mean they are not loveable. It’s just that the danger in not realizing your own worth before entering a serious commitment can place you in a situation of not necessarily making the best decision for yourself. Often people who do not love themselves or see their own value will accept things or engage in relationships that they would not otherwise accept or engage in. As a result sometimes they end up being taken advantage of or even being abused.
Marriage encounters many changes. It evolves and grows. Without the proper nurturing and attention, it can and will deteriorate. In marriage, couples reflect each other. That is one way to look at the “proverbial mirror.” Thus, looking in the proverbial mirror, one must take a careful look at their spouse and see them in the proper light and perspective, while providing them with the necessary support to help them grow and become a better person. However, the care and attention one gives in marriage must also include a nurturing of one’s own self so that they can bring their best self to the relationship. The sign of a healthy marriage is a better you. Yet, how you view yourself and others is a matter of perspective and dependent upon the frame of mind you are in at the moment of looking.
For the person who asked this question, I really encourage you to take the time out to read, “From Ordinary to Extraordinary” and complete the workbook, this will better clarify the wonderful journey that you are on. SMILE.
To get your personal copy of, “From Ordinary to Extraordinary“, please click here.