Real Talk About Relationships and Married Life

Posts tagged ‘problem-solving’

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Trying to Find My Way

how_to_deal_with_postmarriage_blues

Dear Atiya,

I will get straight to the point. I have been in a relationship with my husband for 17 years and married for five of those years. I knew him from when we were kids at school and I met him again when I had just ended my first marriage. To cut a long story short I now realize that I just do not love him. I have tried everything from date nights to going away for special weekends which he loves and enjoys but I can just about tolerate them! I would love to love him but it is not happening and as the years go by I feel like something in my soul is dying and I am scared that I will never get back my spark or feel again what it truly means to love someone with heart, body and soul and still be myself, (Especially at my age 44!)

I am constantly at war with myself. Yes it would be so easy to get up and leave because I am an independent woman but honestly feel there is an element of fear because as much as I am so unhappy I do think there is a certain dependency there after so many years? We had separated recently and it was a mutual decision but he moved literally around the corner and kept coming to the house, bearing gifts, doing things around the house and calling almost constantly so eventually I just gave in and he returned. We bought a house together, so here I am back to square one and he thinks that I am not trying but I have no more fight left in me. The cold truth is that he loves me and I just don’t love him. How do I get back to me? The happy loving person I have not seen in years and get rid of this angry, miserable person? I so desperately want my shine back!! Thank you for taking the time out to read this letter, stay blessed.

– SO DESPERATELY LOST AND UNHAPPY!!!

Dear So Desperately Lost and Unhappy:

Thank you for your letter. No one can make you love someone that you just do not love. Everyone has the right to be happy. Now, with that being said, it sounds as if you do not know exactly what you want, and no one is to blame for your casualties of war but you. You may not have any more fight left in you, but it is not fair to emotionally abandon your mate and your marriage. If you do not like the person that you have become, then I would suggest that you decide what you want and stick to your decision. Stop playing games with someone else’s heart because of your own inability to be honest and straightforward. You say you do not love him, but my question to you is, “Do you even love yourself?” Another question I would pose is this, “Is there another man?” and yet a third question is, “Are you sure you even want to be married?”

You want to know how to get back to the loving person that you have not seen in years and get rid of the angry, miserable person? Start by telling the truth to yourself and your mate. Marriage is a serious commitment. It is designed to be a lifetime barring abuse, infidelity and other serious issues that destroy the health and life of the marriage. However, some marriages survive those issues as well.

I cannot tell you to leave or stay. That is for you to decide. What I will say is this. Your husband appears to be making every effort to hold up his vows. You did not mention him being unkind to you. You did not mention him being unfaithful. You did not mention him being abusive or problems he has that is destroying your love for him. As a matter of fact, the way you described him, leads anyone to believe he is a pretty good man that any woman would be blessed to call husband. The marriage relationship has its ups and downs, its ins and outs. It goes through cycles and seasons. It is not always, whirlwind romance. It is up to the couples to make their marriage blissful, and it takes work on both the husband’s and the wife’s part.

Remember, the decision you make impacts not only you. It impacts your husband, your family, friends, and any children that the two of you may have. So before taking any drastic measures, my advice to you is to get counseling for your marriage; get counseling for yourself; and take a good long hard look in the mirror and be sure of what you really want before walking out that door. That grass is not always greener on the other side. Grass is greener because it gets watered.

– Atiya

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Two Words That Solves the Marriage Crisis

love-is-trustThere are two words that solve the whole marriage crisis. They are love and trust, and this applies to everyone whether you are married or single. For the single person, love and trust God enough to hold on to your vision of marriage until that special one comes. For the married couples love and trust each other enough to know that God sent the right one.

 I was very touched by an article written by Lesahaun Taylor, author of the book entitled, “It Was Me All Along” that I wanted to post it here in Dear Atiya with my comments.

 Article by LeShaun Taylor:

Often times we talk about the awesome pluses to being single. Freedom to come and go as you please, not having to ride an emotional roller coaster and being able to date multiple people with no attachments. With so much divorce, financial strains, and infidelity it doesn’t even seem worth the effort.

Some have determined themselves to be married to singleness. Divorce has become so common place, within the church and out, that our hope, innocence and belief system in love and trust has been damaged. I heard a wise man say how beautiful it is for a child to keep the hope and excitement for Christmas and Santa Clause alive.

It gives them something to look forward to and no matter what, that gleam in their eyes of excitement and joy is priceless. I will say this about being single, enjoy it but don’t put a ring on! Trust that the man or woman in your vision, is on the way to help you with the vision.

Comments by Atiya:

Great article and very timely. SMILE. I encourage abstinence until marriage. It is so very important to respect, love, and appreciation in marriage. While abstinence has always been a goal of mine from very young, I like many fell short of reaching it until now. In my current marriage, I finally achieved that goal, and I am married to a wonderful man of God, no doubt about it! SMILE.

What most people do not realized is that a Godly arranged marriage opens both husband and wife up to their healing from their past and those who are running from the commitment that comes with marriage is in truth running from their own healing. Likewise, divorce happens because one runs from their healing, or the other is refusing to go through the process of healing.

I would like to add though that, singleness is not just a mindset that people who are not married take on, it is one of the greatest problems in marriage that triggers all sorts of other issues that can lead to a one way trip to divorce court.

It is natural for someone who is single to have a single mindset. However, a supernatural mindset is needed for marriage, and when one walks through that door of holy matrimony, couples must be prepared for a new paradigm and learn to move with both speed and accuracy, because at that point, the couple is operating in another realm. If they are not prepared, not sincerely ready to walk that walk, or afraid of losing themselves, the ride can get pretty bumpy and lessons learned the hard way.

The world of singleness and the world of holy matrimony are very different, and if people would truly open their eyes and really look at what is going on around them, they would be able to see from a different perspective and a discerning pair of eyes. The problem is two fold.

Single people who hate singleness and do not prepare, understand, or hold the vision of marriage, consciously or unconsciously wages war on the world of matrimony. The marriage becomes invaded by inappropriate emotional attachments between married and non married persons of the opposite gender, thus breaking a bond necessary for marriage to thrive. This happens through things like facebook, twitter, other social media. This happens through friendships, job, church. The sad thing is that the persons who have been possessed fails to realize that they have lost their balance, and the married person will begin to see their spouse as the enemy and the single person will begin to unconsciously or consciously do things out of a lustful spirit such as go online just to see if the person is there, dress to gain the attention of the married person, make themselves always present and available just in case the married person needs them.

Married couples who have not totally committed themselves to the process of marriage or whose intentions were not really on marriage at the onset but rather to get a woman or a man rather than a husband or a wife, or who is struggling to make that paradigm shift for whatever reasons breaks down the marriage and erects walls of division by not building hedges of protection around it. They are exposed by faulty reasoning such as this is mine and that is yours, these are my friends, those are your friends, and I need more space, not realizing that there is a huge gap of space that is filled with everything else other than the spouse. Married couples must have a shared vision for their marriage, because single visions in marriage do not work. It takes the spirit of love and harmony – we, us, and ours. Married couples must cover one another as not to leave the other exposed. Friendships and relationships must be healthy and whole and friendships of the marriage. How can two walk together unless they be agreed.

It takes a whole lot more than walking down the aisle saying “I do” or “I will.”

Singleness is a temporary condition that is designed for a short time to allow for the opportunity to prepare. Marriage is a lifelong journey and takes a lifelong commitment to the process and the ability to move within a new paradigm with speed and accuracy.

For husband and wives I ask, “Have you noticed that the words Listen and Silent have all the same letters?” God sent this message through a Godly friend who understands the vision of marriage. SMILE. This is no coincidence. The key is husbands need to listen more to their wives; and wives need to be more silent and let The One touch her husband’s heart.

Hopefully, the man gets the message before he falls and the woman gets the point before she loses her mind. A husband must love his wife enough to put her before everything else except The One. The wife must trust her husband enough to let go and let God. Husband and wives must never stop believing in one another. No matter what the world says or the world’s way of doing it is, a husband has the right to be in everything the wife does, and the wife has the right to be in everything the husband does. Whether they exercise that right in all cases, when they do, it would behoove the other to pay very close attention. There is a reason for it. Usually that reason is a warning signal from the spiritual realm which reads: Attack or Threat of Attack. Nine times out of ten, the woman sees it first, this is why it is so important to listen.

They both must understand that it takes working together to maintain balance and there is no such thing in a healthy marriage of “my business” or “your business.” It is about “OUR” business. This must be the attitude of married couples and they must come to understand that anything the other does or says impacts the other. That impact can be life or it can be death. That’s how serious this thing is.

Love is not a game, so stop playing the field; and what God has joined together let no man or woman put asunder!

Your comments are requested and welcomed.

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Getting Into the Rhythm of Things

Balance between husband and wife

I believe everyone suffers from a bit of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, although at varying degrees; which depends on what they have gone through in life. Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome is a mental health condition that is triggered by a terrifying event. It can develop when a person goes through, sees or hears about something that causes intense fear, helplessness, and horror. The impact can be very devastating and cause one to have flashbacks of the events, isolate themselves from social circles that present perceived threats of that event reoccurring again, and more.

Healthy relationships in general help people to heal from the issues of their past. However for this column I will specifically discuss marriage. Healthy marriages help people to heal from various issues. The reason is because this whole process is really about balance; and a healthy marriage is one that is in alignment. When a couple is aligned it encourages and supports continuous balance.

When two people get married, each person comes to the table with a set of weaknesses and a set of strengths. These can also be viewed as a set of fears and the capacity to give loving energy as to offset or help the other overcome their fears.

Fear causes a person to react to situations and circumstances in somewhat of a panicked state, no matter how well they mask it. Their fears are almost usually connected to childhood trauma. Some fears also come about as a result of trauma that happens throughout life. Therapy helps a person to mentally work through and process what has happened and helps them to confront, accept, and cope with the situation as a part of their past. It is a mental health process that is most effective when it takes place immediately after a traumatic event. This may explain why many therapists are moving toward life coaching as a means of helping, because the truth is the impact of childhood traumas are not really fully realized until one has reached adulthood.

Life coaching helps a person to build their emotional intelligence skills to help them move forward. This process is not an easy one and requires one to take one or a few steps at a time. Healing does not happen overnight, and memories from traumatic events may never completely disappear. However, having a healthy circle of friendship and being surrounded by people who understand your fears and are able to provide the necessary support system to help you get through tough times is essential.

Marriage is wonderful because it allows both husband and wife the opportunity to confront their fears, while learning to be supportive of each other and allowing one another the opportunity to not only empty but to fill as well through consistent loving, compassionate, and patient communication. The process is not all listening or all talking. It is a healthy balance of both and at times just active sharing through silence.

For example going to the beach together – one may choose to rest on the cot while the other chooses to swim or play in the water. They both may choose to take a walk together. The beach scenario is an example, where there’s no need for a lot of words to be exchanged. This is a moment that allows the couple to be together and have the necessary space to heal and restore.

A husband and wife strengthen one another where they are weak. You complement or offset a weakened spirit through love, compassion, and patience and by learning to give the other what is needed. To do that, is to understand their fears. Just like it is necessary to take baby steps to overcome fears, it is equally necessary for the one compensating to take baby steps as well. This helps the weakened spirit become strong without draining the energy of the one that is strong.

The question is not about being a spirit breaker or a spirit maker as much as it is about learning to give and receive in proper proportion to allow a soul to be restored.

The idea of marriage is for a husband and wife to help maintain the greatness in each other’s character and to cover one another’s weaknesses. A healthy marriage is one where husband and wife are friends of one another and have a healthy circle of friends to help support their marriage.

People can reclaim their power by helping others. Marriage provides a daily opportunity to do this, taking one step at a time.

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