Real Talk About Relationships and Married Life

Posts tagged ‘people’


Closing the Gap After a Communication Breakdown

Effective communication is important not just in relationships, but in life. In this message, Atiya discusses five ways to close a gap once communication has broken down.

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Learning to Love Yourself, Even After Marriage

In this message, Atiya discusses the importance of loving yourself before marriage and after marriage, and how love for self is a pre-requisite to knowing how to show love to your mate and others. She answers a question that was presented to her in a coaching session. For more information, please visit us online at

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Authenticating Your Marriage

In this message, Atiya discusses how to Authentic Your Marriage and the importance of being honest and open to your mate.  For more information, please visit us online at To read the full article, please go to:


Achieving a Marriage Mindset

Atiya, founder of The Marriage Tree, in this message shares 7 mindset shifts that you can make in order to enhance or save their marriage. For more information, please visit us online at To read the full article, please go to:


Understanding How Women Communicate Part 1

clarityWhen you travel across the globe, one of the things you quickly learn is that there are cultural differences that play a major factor in relationship building. Depending on the understanding or lack thereof between cultures, you can either build successful relationships that blossom into wonderful exchanges of information and learning experiences, or your interactions can be challenged and weighed down by misconceptions and constant misunderstandings. However, one thing for sure is that no matter where you go in the world, how women interact with one another will most definitely set the tone for any environment.

How women “feel,” is a matter of importance and can shape a community or village. This rings true whether you are in Africa, Europe, the Caribbean, or North America. It does not matter if men think a woman‘s feelings are rational, sound, or based on logical reasoning, the truth still remains that if a woman feels a certain way, that is how she feels and no woman need ever apologize for how she “feels.” It’s her truth. Likewise, it makes no sense to argue with a person’s “feelings.” It is their truth.

What many men do not understand is that women have a fundamental need to express how they “feel” in order to be healthy and happy. The relationships they engage in whether it is with men or other women must be ones that help them to “feel” physically, mentally, and emotionally safe to express how they feel. If a relationship ceases to give feelings of safety to express how she feels, a woman will most likely distance herself from that relationship or become closed with respect to meaningful interactions.

Through the process of expression, women work through very powerful emotions that drive the course and dynamics of their relationships and help them to feel a sense of overall well-being. A woman’s feelings are the tender or sensitive side of her nature, and if she feels that her “feelings” are not important, do not matter, or not considered, she will retreat from the relationship whether it is deemed appropriate or not because she perceives this as danger, and women need to feel safe.

Women are masters of communicating subtly and often they send messages to one another as women that often go beyond a man’s conscious awareness. How women “feel” about other women are mostly derived from subtle forms of communication that has occurred between them. This exchange, while many times happens in the presence of men, it’s often outside of their perception or intuitive sense. This is the area that sparks many arguments in relationships, especially about other women.

So a message to husbands who may not fully comprehend the “drama” going on, take a closer look at the interaction between the women around you. Ask your wife about how she is feeling. When she tells you, don’t minimize her feelings or the magnitude of how she feels about the situation. There just might be some major battles going on and the truth is perhaps you might just be the “booty.”


Why It’s Important to Make “Your Girl” Happy

How to Please a Woman Book Cover course photoA common theme or consensus among some men is that women are hard to please, they are never happy no matter what you do, and they just don’t know what they want. While that may be the truth in some camps, it is not necessarily an accurate statement from an overall perspective. Take it from a woman; a man has the power to make any woman happy just by hitting the mark on a few simple things. By doing those things consistently, you would have discovered the secret to putting a perma-grin on your “girl’s” face and whenever she walks into a room it would be like the sun coming out on a rainy day.

Keeping her happy has very little to do with how well you perform in the bedroom, but everything do with how well you are able to make love to her mind. A woman will pull out all stops to satisfy her man when he meets her fundamental needs as a woman. Remember she is a multiplier of what you give, thus if you want a return on your investment, you must utilize your capital wisely in order to gain profitable returns. Otherwise you lose and your relationship becomes bankrupt.

There’s a saying, “A happy woman makes a happy home.” You can have heaven or hell at home and it pretty much depends on the state of mind of the queen of the castle. Yet, the truth is, anytime you have more than one female in an environment, every one of them know intuitively that they are a queen, and thus vie for their rightful place. Women have the power to change an entire atmosphere of a place and if just one in the environment is unhappy everybody can feel it and if you do not understand how this thing works or use wisdom to balance out the estrogen, then your paradise can become your purgatory.

Let me remind you, “Heaven has no rage like love turned to hatred, nor Hell a fury, like a scorned woman.” Scorned means rejected and when a woman feels rejected the pain she feels if not managed can cause disdain and contempt to ensue toward he who she feels has rejected her. To not seek to make her happy yet expect her to make you happy is inciting hell’s fury in your home and your life. To refuse to do the simple things necessary to contribute to your partner’s happiness is perceived as refusing her…a rejection of her. At that point husband, you bring on hell’s wrath in your home.


You may be one of those men who take the position that it is not your personal responsibility to make “your woman” happy; and you would be well within your right to say that because a person’s individual happiness is a personal choice. No one can really “make” another person happy. You have to be willing to choose happiness for yourself. However, wisdom teaches that it would be to your advantage as a man and husband to work to please your wife because of the multitude of benefits a happy woman brings to “her man,” his stomach, and his mind. Her home and interpersonal relationships will also reflect her state of being.

You might think that it is not a matter of importance to do what is within your power to do to make your significant other happy, but if you don’t someone else will. The five simple things that women need to be fulfilled in an intimate relationship is the very thing that is usually lacking which causes you as a man not to get what you need and want.

If you want the food, sex, and peace of mind on a regular basis then come on with the come on. Yes, there are many “other” places you might be able to get what you need and want, but nothing beats good home-cooking. I guarantee you, any woman’s door you go knocking on to get what you need, will still require you to first give her what she needs – those five simple things. So in the quest for instant gratification which very well may be there for you at a cost, you’ll find that it will require you to provide long-term satisfaction. Are you sure it’s a price you are willing and able to pay?

When you take care of home, you will find that everything you want and need is right there and not even for the asking. She is wired to please her man, when he punches in the right codes.

Making Your “Girl” Happy Gives You:

1. A better sex life

2. Good ole’ fashioned home-cooked meals

3. Sweet conversations

4. Peace of mind

5. Finger-lickin’ good with a smile

Making Your “Girl” Happy Eliminates:

1. Nagging and complaining

2. Tears

3. Drama

4. Headaches

5. Unruly and bad-#@! children

Now, I told you the why, if you want to know the how, I invite you to register for the next session of “How to Please a Woman Empowerment Course for Men.” For more information, visit us online at Registration is now open for the session starting in July.


5 Character Traits That Help Women Achieve Relationship Success

happy couples budget 230Have you ever wondered why some women seem to have no problem “getting” really great men while others struggle in that department and seem to always pick up the “deadbeats?” Have you noticed how sometimes you can see a really great looking guy, seems like he has everything going for him, and you look at the arm candy on his arm and wonder to yourself, how in the world did she get him?

See, it’s like this. When men look for marriage material, they are looking much deeper than the coke bottle figure, the Farrah Fawcett hair, the perfect nails and skin, the great job or bank account. Mothers matter to men, and men in the market to marry are usually looking for some very specific attributes and some of these characteristics are home-grown and doesn’t fall very far from the tree in his back yard. When looking for a woman to marry, his mother becomes a key factor in that decision-making process. If he had a good mother and a healthy respect for his mother or the main female guardian figure during his impressionable years, then he will look for a woman who has similar attributes. If he had a horrific childhood experience with his mother or main female care provider, he will look for someone very different and literally run from any woman who reminds him of her. Either way, his mother becomes a big factor in the wife selection process.

Previously we discussed five mindsets that hinder some women from experiencing relationship success. Here, I want to talk about five attributes that help women to achieve relationship success.

Firm & Feminine Francis

Firm and Feminine Francis is a woman who says what she means and means what she says. She is strong yet is able to balance her strength with femininity. She commands what she desires and deserves through her actions. She does not let a man get away with games or walk all over her and she sets the tone at the onset of the relationships. She knows what she wants and accepts nothing less. She is not desperate and knows who she is and her value. Firm and Feminine Francis can inspire a man to be his best self by being her best self. She demonstrates in her carriage and persona what she is about and therefore, men who approaches her does so with honor and respect, because to do otherwise, would be to get shut down in the most feminine and delicate way.

Men love this type of woman because she brings out the best in him, helps him to feel a sense of freedom to express his creativity and vision, while not allowing him to be mediocre.

Confident and Cooking Caroline

Confident and Cooking Caroline has a strong sense of self and needs no man to define her or who she is. She possesses the ability to complement her mate and understands that the quickest way to his heart is through his stomach. Confident and Cooking Caroline is a great cook, has impeccable manners, and a genuinely warm person, which usually gets her labeled as one of those “southern girls.” She keeps her house and has no shame is doing so. She is not a big talker but rather a doer and a quiet companion. She is not a needy woman, and secure in who she is. Men love this type of woman because she is dependable, reliable and emotionally even keel. He can always count on her through thick and thin and she brings him joy.

Sensible and Sensual Sandy

Sensible and Sensual Sandy is the type of woman who has learned how to balance her career and her home. She is spunky, outgoing and is a master at multi-tasking. She may not be able to prepare the best home-cooked meal, but she can cook in other ways, and order up whatever she needs to keep her man happy. Parley is her strong suit and her counseling abilities, as well as the way she tends to her physical attributes keep all eyes on her. She just seems to make everything all right. Men like Sensible and Sensual Sandy because she is a great listener, knows how to shake things up, while keeping things balanced, she is a true helper, and has tact. She is the type of woman who can carry the weight if for some reason he can’t.

Nurturing Nancy

Nurturing Nancy is the type of woman who is like a man’s mother but in a good way. She has many of the attributes of his mother. Nurturing Nancy is good friends with her man’s mother. She learns how to make his favorite meals; she learns how to fold his clothes the way he is accustomed, she learns everything she needs to learn from the first woman in his life, and her home makes him feel at home and reminds him of when he was growing up. Nurturing Nancy has strong mothering qualities, while not letting him forget she is wife material. She is subtle in maintaining her dominion and “Queen Ship” while keeping things “hunky-dory” and at peace with his mother. Nurturing Nancy has a delicate and gentle hand. Men love this type of woman because she is graceful as she offers familiarity and stability.

Trustworthy & Tenacious Trudy

Trustworthy and Tenacious Trudy has a strong backbone and help things remain cohesive stuck together. She is the type of woman who keeps things organized and in order, while being a great friend and partner in business and play. Trustworthy and Tenacious Trudy is down to earth, real, a great ear and her counsel is solid. She is no fuss, no frills, and unpretentious. She is hot or cold, never lukewarm. Trustworthy and Tenacious Trudy is a deeply spiritual woman. She is not judgmental, but she will hold you accountable and responsible for your words and your actions. She is nurturing and steadfast. Men love this type of women because she is a great friend and accepts him for who he is, stands by his side and he trusts her and knows he can manifest his vision with her.

Whether a woman holds any one of these attributes or a combination of them, one thing for sure is, it is not something you can feign. In order to be marriage material, a woman must be authentic. If you attempt to gain a man’s attention based on superficial pretenses, then what you will get is a superficial man. The best attribute a woman can bring to the relationship table is her true and authentic self. That is the best place to start.

Your comments and feedback are welcomed and encouraged.


Looking For Mr. or Ms. Right

Mr and Ms right photo blurredFrom the perspective of men, there are two types of women: Those who they take home to meet mother dear; and those that they just have fun with. I’ve met several men who appear to be great catches. They are men who say that they’re not looking to date or play the field any longer; they just want to find Ms. Right. Yet for some reason they are having difficulty finding a woman who is ready to be married, prepared to be in a serious relationship, and who doesn’t come with a trail of baggage.

On the other hand, from the standpoint of women, there are very few available good men out there. They are either already married, in jail, or gay. For some, interracial dating and marriage is not an option. However for others, they simply want a good man and it doesn’t matter what their exterior looks like.

For me, when I hear the concerns, several questions arise. If you want a good man or good woman, then why don’t you have one? If you are a man, have you cut the apron strings from mommy dearest? Are you ready to be in a committed and exclusive intimate relationship? Are you able to provide for a wife? Are you taking care of any children you’ve produced? Do you have a steady and stable flow of income from “legal” avenues? Are you in the candy store trying to sample all the candy before you buy any?

For women, are you holding out for that perfect man or the one that really doesn’t exist? Do you have a list of ridiculous standards or criteria that are impossible for even yourself to measure up to? What bait are you using to catch your fish? What does your drama closet look like?

I say put the situation in its proper perspective. There are plenty of eligible men and women out there who are actively looking for that right person to show up. However, you have to be ready and mature enough to have those deep and serious discussions. Get rid of the game! If you are looking for Mr. or Ms. Right to walk through that door, then make sure you are Ms. and Mr. Right on the other side of that threshold.

What do you think?


Two Words That Solves the Marriage Crisis

love-is-trustThere are two words that solve the whole marriage crisis. They are love and trust, and this applies to everyone whether you are married or single. For the single person, love and trust God enough to hold on to your vision of marriage until that special one comes. For the married couples love and trust each other enough to know that God sent the right one.

 I was very touched by an article written by Lesahaun Taylor, author of the book entitled, “It Was Me All Along” that I wanted to post it here in Dear Atiya with my comments.

 Article by LeShaun Taylor:

Often times we talk about the awesome pluses to being single. Freedom to come and go as you please, not having to ride an emotional roller coaster and being able to date multiple people with no attachments. With so much divorce, financial strains, and infidelity it doesn’t even seem worth the effort.

Some have determined themselves to be married to singleness. Divorce has become so common place, within the church and out, that our hope, innocence and belief system in love and trust has been damaged. I heard a wise man say how beautiful it is for a child to keep the hope and excitement for Christmas and Santa Clause alive.

It gives them something to look forward to and no matter what, that gleam in their eyes of excitement and joy is priceless. I will say this about being single, enjoy it but don’t put a ring on! Trust that the man or woman in your vision, is on the way to help you with the vision.

Comments by Atiya:

Great article and very timely. SMILE. I encourage abstinence until marriage. It is so very important to respect, love, and appreciation in marriage. While abstinence has always been a goal of mine from very young, I like many fell short of reaching it until now. In my current marriage, I finally achieved that goal, and I am married to a wonderful man of God, no doubt about it! SMILE.

What most people do not realized is that a Godly arranged marriage opens both husband and wife up to their healing from their past and those who are running from the commitment that comes with marriage is in truth running from their own healing. Likewise, divorce happens because one runs from their healing, or the other is refusing to go through the process of healing.

I would like to add though that, singleness is not just a mindset that people who are not married take on, it is one of the greatest problems in marriage that triggers all sorts of other issues that can lead to a one way trip to divorce court.

It is natural for someone who is single to have a single mindset. However, a supernatural mindset is needed for marriage, and when one walks through that door of holy matrimony, couples must be prepared for a new paradigm and learn to move with both speed and accuracy, because at that point, the couple is operating in another realm. If they are not prepared, not sincerely ready to walk that walk, or afraid of losing themselves, the ride can get pretty bumpy and lessons learned the hard way.

The world of singleness and the world of holy matrimony are very different, and if people would truly open their eyes and really look at what is going on around them, they would be able to see from a different perspective and a discerning pair of eyes. The problem is two fold.

Single people who hate singleness and do not prepare, understand, or hold the vision of marriage, consciously or unconsciously wages war on the world of matrimony. The marriage becomes invaded by inappropriate emotional attachments between married and non married persons of the opposite gender, thus breaking a bond necessary for marriage to thrive. This happens through things like facebook, twitter, other social media. This happens through friendships, job, church. The sad thing is that the persons who have been possessed fails to realize that they have lost their balance, and the married person will begin to see their spouse as the enemy and the single person will begin to unconsciously or consciously do things out of a lustful spirit such as go online just to see if the person is there, dress to gain the attention of the married person, make themselves always present and available just in case the married person needs them.

Married couples who have not totally committed themselves to the process of marriage or whose intentions were not really on marriage at the onset but rather to get a woman or a man rather than a husband or a wife, or who is struggling to make that paradigm shift for whatever reasons breaks down the marriage and erects walls of division by not building hedges of protection around it. They are exposed by faulty reasoning such as this is mine and that is yours, these are my friends, those are your friends, and I need more space, not realizing that there is a huge gap of space that is filled with everything else other than the spouse. Married couples must have a shared vision for their marriage, because single visions in marriage do not work. It takes the spirit of love and harmony – we, us, and ours. Married couples must cover one another as not to leave the other exposed. Friendships and relationships must be healthy and whole and friendships of the marriage. How can two walk together unless they be agreed.

It takes a whole lot more than walking down the aisle saying “I do” or “I will.”

Singleness is a temporary condition that is designed for a short time to allow for the opportunity to prepare. Marriage is a lifelong journey and takes a lifelong commitment to the process and the ability to move within a new paradigm with speed and accuracy.

For husband and wives I ask, “Have you noticed that the words Listen and Silent have all the same letters?” God sent this message through a Godly friend who understands the vision of marriage. SMILE. This is no coincidence. The key is husbands need to listen more to their wives; and wives need to be more silent and let The One touch her husband’s heart.

Hopefully, the man gets the message before he falls and the woman gets the point before she loses her mind. A husband must love his wife enough to put her before everything else except The One. The wife must trust her husband enough to let go and let God. Husband and wives must never stop believing in one another. No matter what the world says or the world’s way of doing it is, a husband has the right to be in everything the wife does, and the wife has the right to be in everything the husband does. Whether they exercise that right in all cases, when they do, it would behoove the other to pay very close attention. There is a reason for it. Usually that reason is a warning signal from the spiritual realm which reads: Attack or Threat of Attack. Nine times out of ten, the woman sees it first, this is why it is so important to listen.

They both must understand that it takes working together to maintain balance and there is no such thing in a healthy marriage of “my business” or “your business.” It is about “OUR” business. This must be the attitude of married couples and they must come to understand that anything the other does or says impacts the other. That impact can be life or it can be death. That’s how serious this thing is.

Love is not a game, so stop playing the field; and what God has joined together let no man or woman put asunder!

Your comments are requested and welcomed.


Synergizing Your Relationship

Companionship is one of the beauties and blessing of life, particularly when that companionship involves romantic love and intimacy. A relationship between a man and a woman is designed to enhance both people. However, what most fear and what often happens is one of the parties in the relationship loses themselves in the process and sometimes start to feel hopeless. But it does not have to be that way.

A synergistic relationship is one where two or more people are able to effectively work together to produce an outcome that neither would be able to obtain independently. The marriage relationship is an interdependent one and both husband and wife depend on one another and above all they both depend on the Creator to make things happen in their lives and the lives of their family.

When a couple is deciding to get married, they must be willing to work together on all levels for the very relationship depends on their ability to effectively and cooperatively work together. Disagreements and differences of opinion are normal ordinary occurrences and they do come up. However, what makes a relationship extraordinary is when the two can synergize and become bona-fide partners in life. Synergy is a collaborative approach which facilitates mutual respect and helps in overcoming those times when you may not see eye-to-eye.

We all have gifts and talents. No one person in a relationship has the right to advance their agenda over their mate’s and visa versa. In order for a relationship to thrive, there must be a new agenda established which includes the gifts, talents and creative expression of both parties. What often disturbs the harmonic flow of the relationship causing feelings of not being fulfilled is when one party is left out and their passion or dreams are deemed as less important or insignificant.

It is a wonderful and amazing feeling to be able to work well with your mate. On the contrary, it is very devastating to be with someone who does not support you or believe in you and what you bring to the table. This is why, before marriage you must assess the gifts, talents and life mission of your potential partner and how well that matches your gifts, talents and life mission. You do have a life mission right? SMILE.

Open and honest communication is very important in any relationship. It is even more critical in the marriage dynamic. There should be no walls, division, or secrets. This is how trust is built into the relationship and this is how it is maintained. So the old adage, “What it took to get him/her, is what it takes to keep him/her,” rings true.

There are many ways to get the dialogue juices flowing. Here are some tips to get you thinking synergistically. SMILE.

The TOP TEN TIPS to Synergize Your Relationship

1). Outline and discuss your gifts, talents and passions with your potential mate.

2). Be open and honest about what is important to you and what really matters.

3). Discuss with your potential mate what is important to him/her.

4). Talk about ways the two of you can work together and how you can synergize what you do.

5). Discuss workable solutions and agree on ways to overcome areas of disagreement or differences of opinion before the marriage, and stick to the plan in marriage.

6). Make a list of businesses and opportunities that can be created working together using both your and your partner’s gifts, talents, and passions.

7). Work on projects together before marriage to get an idea of how well you work together.

8). Promote each other’s talents. Service to one another increases love for one another.

9). Observe the strengths of your potential partner and see how they cover your weaknesses.

10. As soon as the two of you know you want to get married, take the time to construct a life mission plan together which encompasses both of your dreams and life purposes.

Marriage has its challenges, but together and with The One’s help, you can conquer them all.

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