Real Talk About Relationships and Married Life

Posts tagged ‘infidelity’

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Why Some Women Leave Their Husbands

suitcase ladyNo matter how peachy marriage may be sometimes, it definitely “ain’t no bed of roses.” Well, I take that back, maybe it is because even roses have thorns. Marriage is a beautiful experience. However regardless as to how beautiful it may be and the desired way of life for many people, who have been courageous enough to take that plunge, once, twice, or maybe even three times, it takes real work and it’s not the place to think you can perpetrate a fraud and get away with it. Marriage exposes the truth about two people and no matter how dressed up you get at the ceremony prior to living in holy matrimony, after the “I do’s” you will definitely know if it is the real deal or some very well dressed-up Sugar, Honey, Ice, Tea!

Men spend a lot of time wining and dining a woman trying to win her affections and even her hand. In their quest to conquer, some make all of these promises that they know they cannot keep, and instead of gracefully stepping aside for a man who is prepared to do what a man is supposed to do, they allow their ego to color their already colored intentions, and continue letting the woman believe that they are someone and something that in truth they really are not.

So if you are a man who is fortunate enough to have a wife, but refuse to do right by her, let me say this to you. My mother often said, “Don’t let your mouth write checks that your azz can’t cash!” When a woman has had enough, she has had enough; and no matter how much she loves you or how painful it may be, she will walk away from her marriage if you refuse to get your act together. She may even tell you with tears streaming down her face, “I can do bad all by myself.” However, in truth most women in unhealthy relationships know deep down that they can do better, maybe not by themselves, but certainly without a man who refuses to man-up.

So, why do women leave their husbands? Here are five reasons.

1. Infidelity

There are many levels to infidelity. However no matter what level you have attained to, it all includes lying, cheating, stealing, and killing. Let me break it down for you like this.

Lying – You lie to keep her from knowing that you are laying up with someone else or engaging in inappropriate conversations that have gone way past the boundaries of fair-play. A woman usually knows anyway so she will become suspicious. See wives have these intuitive insights that even if you think inappropriately about another woman her antennas perk up. So you lie to cover up your shady behavior, your ill intentions, or your wishful thinking.

Cheating – You cheat when you lie because you manipulate your wife into to taking a certain position that she would not otherwise take which gives you an unfair advantage and places her at disadvantage. That is cheating. So before any physical act takes place, your intentions are all wrong and your actions are deceitful.

Stealing – When you are having an affair, you steal your wife’s trust, her faith in you, her confidence, and her good heart. You are presenting a condition that is not true and continue to receive benefits from your “happy home,” that you do not deserve. It is stealing because you know that you would not continue to have it like that if your wife knew the truth. So you become a thief to get what you want and all under false pretenses. That’s dishonorable.

Killing – A man who cheats becomes a killer. He kills the spirit of love in the relationship. He kills the marriage and what it stands for. He kills the unity and the harmony. He slowly kills his wife’s love for him.

2. Abuse and/or Neglect

There is a law – the law of non-use, misuse, and abuse. The premise of this law is if you don’t use it or misuse it, you lose it. If a man told a woman before marriage that he will go upside her head, call her horrible names, emotionally abuse and misuse her, withhold love, protection and provision, do you think she would marry him? So why do you think she will stay with you if you do these things in marriage? There’s a saying, what it took to get her, it takes to keep her.

3. Don’t Listen

Women have the fundamental need to be listened to because they equate listening to value and worth. When a man listens to his wife, he is communicating to her that he values her and finds her to be worthy of his time and attention. If a man gets into the habit of not listening to his wife, eventually someone else squirms their way into the picture and becomes a great listener. Need I say more? Husbands, when your wife wants you to listen, she does not necessarily need you to “fix it.” She feels closer to you and feels your love for her when you listen to her. Also, learn to listen to her with your heart.

4. Relationship Stagnation

Women will leave a relationship sometimes because the relationship is not going anywhere. It becomes a cycle of the same thing over and over again and not necessarily for the better, so she becomes unfulfilled. Before, she believed that things will change, and then she began to hope that things will change. After that, she starts wondering if things will ever change, until finally she starts to fear that things will never change. At that point, “Wilson, you’ve got a problem.” When a woman gets to the point of fearing things won’t change, she begins to explore other options. At that point, if something doesn’t give real soon, she will serve you your walking papers.

If there are things in the relationship that needs addressing, address them. You can only stonewall for so long or sweep things under the carpet for so long. Pretty soon, the big lump in the middle of the floor begins to trip everybody up.

5. Stupidity

Some women leave a good man out of sheer stupidity and foolishness. Many often regret it later when they realize that what they had is much better than what is out there. Nonetheless, they still leave. Depending on how painful the experience was for you, you might let her back into your life. However, there is usually always another woman just standing in the rear watching and waiting for her to mess up anyway. Often she’s called friend – sometimes his, sometimes hers. Go figure. So, “Stupid is as stupid does.”

I am an advocate for healthy relationships and marriages. Just because a relationship is sick does not mean that it cannot be nursed to health or back to health. Just like people heal from sicknesses both minor and major, marriages can come back from incredible odds. However, in some cases no matter how much nourishment you give it at the last minute or when it is in a terminal state, the marriage will inevitably die. In this case, the best thing you can do is make things comfortable until the end.

So men, my encouragement to you whether you are married or not, check your intentions, come correct, don’t perpetrate a fraud, remember she’s a queen, and man-up.

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In the Valley of Decision

Which road

Dear Atiya,

I’ve been in a relationship with a man for about two years now and from the day we’ve met I’ve known that I could spend the rest of my life with him. About two months ago I found out that he cheated (from him) and the woman he cheated with is now pregnant. Yes I was beyond hurt when he told me; but I reminded myself no man is defined by his biggest mistake.

Truth is he really is a good man, so I decided to stay and see if we can get through this and continue to build back what was lost due to his infidelities. It’s been two months now and it’s getting harder and harder to build that trust back. I genuinely love this man and that has never changed despite his mistakes. The only thing missing is the trust (an important element in any successful relationship).

Well, the point is “I’m scared.” I’m scared that I’m wasting my time building something that won’t stand through the test of time. I’m young (just turned 25) and people keep saying that I’m wasting my youth with this relationship that I have too much to offer to put up with him and his baggage (being that I have no kids of my own). Honestly sometimes I think that also. There are times I want to let go and then there’s times I want to try even harder than the day before. I’ve prayed about it and listened for God’s guidance but as we all know it can sometimes be challenging to discern the difference between emotionally guided decisions and spiritually guided ones.

I love this man. He has elevated me to heights I may have never reached on my own. He has taught me that love can come without/before intercourse (that’s why this hurts so bad). I’m a young woman devoid of experience. I know that I’m not immaculate (and he never requested that I be) but I try. I always do but this time around I’m questioning if I should…. keep trying.

So tell me, should I give up all that I’ve built with this man because of one mistake and important missing element…. TRUST?

– Sincerely Torn

Dear Sincerely Torn,

WOW! I feel your heart in this letter and while it is not my place to make the decision for you as to whether or not you should stay or leave, I can offer some things for you to consider. The impression I am getting from your letter is that the two years you and this man have been seeing one another, you have not had sexual intercourse with him. If this is the case, I applaud you for practicing abstinence and it demonstrates maturity, amazing strength, and character on your part. The latter (character) is what I want to address.

Now, you mention in your letter that from the day you met him that you knew you could spend the rest of your life with him. The question I would pose to you is, “Has he ever expressed the same feelings toward you?” See some can argue that because the two of you were not married, in truth he was not cheating. However, I would say that if you two were in an agreed upon monogamous relationship and it was clearly understood between the two of you that your relationship was exclusive and marriage discussions were on the table, no matter how honorable it may appear to be that he himself told you of his indiscretion, the fact remains that he was not being honest, he was misleading you, and giving the impression that he was committed when he was not. Additional questions I would ask are, “How long has it been going on?” and “Would he have told you if the other woman was not pregnant?”

There are two very critical components to any relationship, let alone a marriage. They are honesty and fidelity. See, the willingness to be honest and true to whom you say you are and to your intentions lay a very strong foundation for trust in the relationship. If you are not able to trust the person you are with prior to marriage, what type of foundation are you building? How can you build trust in a relationship when there is lying and cheating going on?

You say he is a good man. What makes him good? A man’s character is determined by what he does, and while good is relative, there are certain characteristics that most people would agree makes up a good man and honesty and being true would be two of those characteristics. This is not to say that he is “bad” because he makes mistakes. We all make mistakes. But let me be straight to the point, lying and cheating my dear are not mistakes, they are intentional behaviors, and any reasonable person would question the integrity and character of a person who chooses to operate under the premises of lies and deceit.

I call a spade a spade and although you might remind yourself that no man is defined by his biggest mistake, I agree. But infidelity and adulterous behavior is not an accident. It’s intentional deception and paved by a road of calculated lying, deceit, sneaking around, secrets, and cheating. And, to further state after you’ve been caught that it was a mistake or not meant to happen is yet another lie.

I do not buy into the hype that all men are dogs or unfaithful. I believe that every man who chooses commitment over casual relationships has the opportunity and the fortitude to be faithful to their mates. They all have the mental, emotional, and physical strength and capacity to face and overcome the difficulty or adversity of temptation courageously. The question is not a matter of ability, but rather one of the willingness to do so.

Now I am not saying do not try working it out, because many relationships bounce back after infidelity. I want you to seriously consider what you may be in for. See the “one” mistake as you call it has a lifetime of consequences, and in today’s society one mistake can cost a life. This is real talk. Your man made a choice, and the choice he made did not just impact his life, it impacted your life, the woman’s life he cheated with, and now another innocent life coming into the world. See, it may be devastating that he is bringing a baby home, but in today’s society he could be bringing something other than the “bundle of joy” and that is nothing to play around with. So when you seriously consider whether or not you should stay or leave, you want to weigh things very carefully.

Should you decide to leave, let me say this, you are not “giving up all of what you’ve built,” he did, when he made the decision to step outside of the relationship.

Should you decide to stay, again, many relationships bounce back after infidelity and some become even stronger. Who is to say yours won’t be one of those. Keep in mind that if you decide to stay, there will always be the baby, the baby’s mama, and often “baby mama drama,” particularly when you are dealing with situations such as this. In any case however, if you stay, I would recommend you and your mate go to counseling and seek support in dealing with the blended family scenario as well as support on rebuilding trust after an affair.

I know this is a very hard pill to swallow, yet in truth, the ball is in your court. Whether you stay or leave, a word of advice, keep the cookie in the cookie jar until the honeymoon. This applies to whether you will be riding into the sunset with him or someone else. Only bring home bags you intend to unpack.

-ATIYA

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