The majority of my blogs and articles are universal. However, in this particular post, I want to specifically address a mindset in the “Black Community” that is destroying the chances and opportunity for some Black Women to experience the real power and joy of Black on Black Love.
The biggest enemy to the relationship dynamic in the Black community is the lack of respect and honor of one another as Black men and Black women. No matter how messed up either may be, to say either is damaged beyond repair is further perpetuation of a conditioning process which stems back to the plantation literally and figuratively. Whether you believe slavery actually existed or not is irrelevant here. What we are discussing is a mindset which stems back generations that has not quite been uprooted. While it is true that Blacks cannot continue to blame others for the condition in the Black community and thus must take responsibility for its state, a logical person however would understand that there are certain principles and dynamics which becomes extremely relevant when discussing the science of mating – or as some may call it, “dating.”
I hear some Black women say things like there is a lack of available or “good” Black men out there or all men are dogs. It’s no surprise that the women usually making these sorts of claims are perpetually and involuntarily single. Ladies, it’s a mindset! So what I want to do here is shed some light on the reasons as to why you might be single when you would otherwise choose to be in a healthy relationship with your Black counterpart or why you go from relationship to relationship not finding “the one.” After reading this, you may want to ask yourself, “Do I hold any of these mindsets?” Then if you realize that perhaps you might and have the courage to acknowledge it, then you are well on your way to freeing your mind and opening your heart to allow true love to come in.
Five Mindsets that Hinders Black Women From Relationship Success
1. Bitter Barbara
Bitter Barbara is a type of women who makes many outward attempts at femininity, yet is hard to the core. She is a disenfranchised woman who has been deeply hurt by a man and consequently blames all men for her pain. She most likely gave one man all of herself unconditionally although he may not have deserved it. Bitter Barbara has spent years blaming all men for the actions of one or a few and is so hard on every man who would dare to love her like he is the one who personally hurt her. She has not been able to rationally separate the “baby from the bathwater,” therefore throws both out. What Bitter Barbara may fail to realize is that she perhaps had many “good” Black men come in and out of her life, but she couldn’t see past her pain.
Bitter Barbara does not understand that her pain is partly a consequence of her own choices, and therefore she must also take some measure of responsibility. When it comes to “love and marriage and the baby carriage,” not too many Black men are interested in a woman who is just plain bitter, and would assume deal with a white woman. Unfortunately this makes Bitter Barbara even more bitter.
2. Independent Ilene
Independent Ilene is the type of woman who doesn’t need a man to take care of her. She has her own house, her own car, a decent to high paying job, can move the refrigerator and furniture or pay someone to do it for her. Independent Ilene can “bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan” and really only needs a male to help her “get her rocks off” and then again she doesn’t even need a male for that because she has her battery operated man replacement in the drawer. Independent Ilene has the attitude that Black men are intimidated by “strong Black women.” Yet, is misguided in terms of what a real “strong Black woman” looks like.
Independent Ilene usually has “daddy issues.” Her own “daddy” taught her either directly or indirectly that she must know how to take care of herself and that she doesn’t need a man to take care of her. What independent Ilene fails to understand is that when men think in terms of fun and play, she will fit the bill mainly because she can foot the bill. However, she is thrown off her square when men look for “wife material” and she gets passed over. She doesn’t get that it is her mindset that keeps her out of the running.
Independent Ilene doesn’t understand that there is a very big difference between male and man, and that a real man is not looking for an Independent Ilene or a woman who competes with him, rather he is looking for a woman who is feminine, loving, with mothering attributes. She also has not gotten the point that a “strong Black woman” is not measured by the ability to take care of one’s self; that is a necessary life skill to which all people must possess.
A “strong Black woman” first and foremost is one who recognizes that she needs a man. Second, a “strong Black woman” is one who understands the power of synergy in her relationship with her man and is learning to master the art and science of keeping her house. Independent Ilene has not grasped the fact that a real “strong Black woman” is not looking for a boy toy, she is set on connecting with a committed Black man who understands his role as a man and willing to fulfill that role and not allow an Independent Ilene to wear the pants that he was meant to wear.
Independent Ilene hasn’t learned that no matter how much money a woman has in the bank, a “strong Black woman” would not dare depower her man or handicap him by stepping into his role as a man. Further, Independent Ilene does not understand that no matter how many toys are in the drawer, there is nothing like the “real thing baby!”
Independent Ilene projects herself as above need of a man, yet a real man needs to be needed by his “woman.”
3. Religious Rhonda
Religious Rhonda is the type of woman who is religious, yet lacks spirituality. She is looking for Jesus incarnate and if Jesus were to knock on her door, he would not measure up to her standards either. Religious Rhonda is looking for a man who doesn’t exits. She refuses to accept that the only “perfect” man is one who may be perfect for her. Therefore, no man is ever good enough. Yet, she sits around complaining with her girlfriends who are “birds of a feather flocking together,” that there are no available “good” Black men because they are either in jail, in prison, homosexual or don’t want anything more in life.
Religious Rhonda is under the illusion that relationships do not take work and that, things automatically falls in place with no effort on her part. She has an attitude that the man must bring a whole list of attributes to the table, but she is unable to bring to the table similar attributes. She feels it is for the man to do all the work and for the woman to simply reap the rewards of his labor. She wants the status, but does not look at the substance.
Religious Rhonda can quote the scripture like you wouldn’t believe. She knows the word frontwards and backwards; however she fails to understand the deeper principles of the scripture and its application that comes along with being a spiritual person. Religious Rhonda is related to Self-righteous Sally. As a matter of fact they are first cousins. When you see one you usually see the other as they are bosom buddies. You often see them both in the midst of conflict in spiritual houses. They are either hating on other women who have a man wondering how they got him, or a constant third wheel. Black men run from the drama that comes with Religious Rhonda and Self-righteous Sally.
4. Demanding Deena
Demanding Deena is so hard to please that no matter what you do for her she is never satisfied. Demanding Deena does not realize the difference between demanding something with her mouth and commanding it with her actions. With a Demanding Deena, everything is urgent and priority when it comes to her needs. She has an attitude that she is owed something and everything must cease until her needs are met.
Demanding Deena is very needy and believes that the source of her happiness lies in the hands of the man in her life. She is extremely frustrated and it’s obvious that she needs some sort of release, but fails to understand that she has unrealistic expectations. Her expectations of him are far above what is rational or even fair. There is no room for shortcomings as anyone she deals with must be on top of his game 100% of the time.
Demanding Deena is argumentative, controlling, hard, and bossy. Men usually just want to do whatever they can to get away from a Demanding Deena; and Demanding Deena has not realized that men are not interested in a woman with more testosterone than him.
5. Loose Lucy
Every man knows that Loose Lucy gives up the “coochie.” It doesn’t matter whether he is worthy or not, Loose Lucy believes the only way to get or keep a man is to open her legs. Loose Lucy believes that taking the relationship to the next level means having sex. Waiting for marriage is not in the context of her understanding of a possibility to attract the right kind of man. She has an attitude that once she gives in to a man’s sexual advances, he is obligated to her. Loose Lucy does not respect herself and suffers from low self-esteem. Loose Lucy perhaps might be a product of sexual abuse, molestation, or incest and perhaps struggles with the word, “no.”
In many cases, if a Loose Lucy has a baby, she will have babies by several different men. If she doesn’t have children in her younger years, she usually will bear children if at all later in life. Some Loose Lucies will get pregnant in an attempt to entrap a man, believing that will make him stay. Loose Lucy will sleep with friends, brothers, and maybe even fathers, sons or cousins. Loose Lucy is desperate for a man and when she feels one will take the time to wine and dine her or pay her mind, she will bear it all for him believing that this time it’s the one.
Loose Lucy doesn’t realize that her reputation comes long before she does; and those of the male persuasion who is wooing her often is looking to get laid then leave. There are two types of women that men deal with, ones to have fun with and one to bring home to meet the parents. Loose Lucy is the “booty call” not the altar call. She is a cow that every Tom, Dick, and Harry is milking and then wonders why no one is interested in buying the cow.
This might sound crass. But there is a reason why some Black women do not have a man. And to the women who would much rather publicly degrade all or most of our brothers for their actual or perceived shortcomings, and deemed them damaged beyond repair, keeps you involuntary single or in relationships that are fulfilling, because you are denying that you are part of the problem. While you may not be entirely the problem, you are however the key. Black women are the first teachers, the first nurses, the first nurturers in a man’s life, therefore, if what you see is an undesirable Black man then you owe it to them and yourselves to help them meet their obligations as a man by being a better woman.