Real Talk About Relationships and Married Life

suitcase ladyNo matter how peachy marriage may be sometimes, it definitely “ain’t no bed of roses.” Well, I take that back, maybe it is because even roses have thorns. Marriage is a beautiful experience. However regardless as to how beautiful it may be and the desired way of life for many people, who have been courageous enough to take that plunge, once, twice, or maybe even three times, it takes real work and it’s not the place to think you can perpetrate a fraud and get away with it. Marriage exposes the truth about two people and no matter how dressed up you get at the ceremony prior to living in holy matrimony, after the “I do’s” you will definitely know if it is the real deal or some very well dressed-up Sugar, Honey, Ice, Tea!

Men spend a lot of time wining and dining a woman trying to win her affections and even her hand. In their quest to conquer, some make all of these promises that they know they cannot keep, and instead of gracefully stepping aside for a man who is prepared to do what a man is supposed to do, they allow their ego to color their already colored intentions, and continue letting the woman believe that they are someone and something that in truth they really are not.

So if you are a man who is fortunate enough to have a wife, but refuse to do right by her, let me say this to you. My mother often said, “Don’t let your mouth write checks that your azz can’t cash!” When a woman has had enough, she has had enough; and no matter how much she loves you or how painful it may be, she will walk away from her marriage if you refuse to get your act together. She may even tell you with tears streaming down her face, “I can do bad all by myself.” However, in truth most women in unhealthy relationships know deep down that they can do better, maybe not by themselves, but certainly without a man who refuses to man-up.

So, why do women leave their husbands? Here are five reasons.

1. Infidelity

There are many levels to infidelity. However no matter what level you have attained to, it all includes lying, cheating, stealing, and killing. Let me break it down for you like this.

Lying – You lie to keep her from knowing that you are laying up with someone else or engaging in inappropriate conversations that have gone way past the boundaries of fair-play. A woman usually knows anyway so she will become suspicious. See wives have these intuitive insights that even if you think inappropriately about another woman her antennas perk up. So you lie to cover up your shady behavior, your ill intentions, or your wishful thinking.

Cheating – You cheat when you lie because you manipulate your wife into to taking a certain position that she would not otherwise take which gives you an unfair advantage and places her at disadvantage. That is cheating. So before any physical act takes place, your intentions are all wrong and your actions are deceitful.

Stealing – When you are having an affair, you steal your wife’s trust, her faith in you, her confidence, and her good heart. You are presenting a condition that is not true and continue to receive benefits from your “happy home,” that you do not deserve. It is stealing because you know that you would not continue to have it like that if your wife knew the truth. So you become a thief to get what you want and all under false pretenses. That’s dishonorable.

Killing – A man who cheats becomes a killer. He kills the spirit of love in the relationship. He kills the marriage and what it stands for. He kills the unity and the harmony. He slowly kills his wife’s love for him.

2. Abuse and/or Neglect

There is a law – the law of non-use, misuse, and abuse. The premise of this law is if you don’t use it or misuse it, you lose it. If a man told a woman before marriage that he will go upside her head, call her horrible names, emotionally abuse and misuse her, withhold love, protection and provision, do you think she would marry him? So why do you think she will stay with you if you do these things in marriage? There’s a saying, what it took to get her, it takes to keep her.

3. Don’t Listen

Women have the fundamental need to be listened to because they equate listening to value and worth. When a man listens to his wife, he is communicating to her that he values her and finds her to be worthy of his time and attention. If a man gets into the habit of not listening to his wife, eventually someone else squirms their way into the picture and becomes a great listener. Need I say more? Husbands, when your wife wants you to listen, she does not necessarily need you to “fix it.” She feels closer to you and feels your love for her when you listen to her. Also, learn to listen to her with your heart.

4. Relationship Stagnation

Women will leave a relationship sometimes because the relationship is not going anywhere. It becomes a cycle of the same thing over and over again and not necessarily for the better, so she becomes unfulfilled. Before, she believed that things will change, and then she began to hope that things will change. After that, she starts wondering if things will ever change, until finally she starts to fear that things will never change. At that point, “Wilson, you’ve got a problem.” When a woman gets to the point of fearing things won’t change, she begins to explore other options. At that point, if something doesn’t give real soon, she will serve you your walking papers.

If there are things in the relationship that needs addressing, address them. You can only stonewall for so long or sweep things under the carpet for so long. Pretty soon, the big lump in the middle of the floor begins to trip everybody up.

5. Stupidity

Some women leave a good man out of sheer stupidity and foolishness. Many often regret it later when they realize that what they had is much better than what is out there. Nonetheless, they still leave. Depending on how painful the experience was for you, you might let her back into your life. However, there is usually always another woman just standing in the rear watching and waiting for her to mess up anyway. Often she’s called friend – sometimes his, sometimes hers. Go figure. So, “Stupid is as stupid does.”

I am an advocate for healthy relationships and marriages. Just because a relationship is sick does not mean that it cannot be nursed to health or back to health. Just like people heal from sicknesses both minor and major, marriages can come back from incredible odds. However, in some cases no matter how much nourishment you give it at the last minute or when it is in a terminal state, the marriage will inevitably die. In this case, the best thing you can do is make things comfortable until the end.

So men, my encouragement to you whether you are married or not, check your intentions, come correct, don’t perpetrate a fraud, remember she’s a queen, and man-up.

Comments on: "Why Some Women Leave Their Husbands" (39)

  1. Cranston said:

    Interesting perspective.

    • Please expound, Cranston. SMILE.

      • Cranston said:

        Atiya, I would have to reread the article and take time to fully digest it to properly articulate my thoughts. However, my initial feelings are that its slightly subjective and assumes that a man’s behavior (good or bad) happens in a vacuum. Personally, I have no desire, when discussing relationships, to appoint blame on either party. There should be, although often there is not, an approach of mutual responsibility for the health of the relationship and ownership of one’s shortcomings as perceived by their partner. Again, this is just an opinion formed after briefly skimming the article. I would have to read it in its entirety to give a more comprehensive analysis (from my perspective of course, which is ultimately subject to my own beliefs and values no matter how non bias I attempt to be). SMILE

      • Cranston, Please do reread it as I am always interested in hearing what readers feel. You are correct, the health of a relationship is a shared responsibility and both parties are accountable. Marriage is about synergy. However, I do want to remind you about the title of the article, “Why Some Women Leave Their Husbands.” SMILE. This article is not about who is to blame in a failed relationship, it is about highlighting why some women take the approach to leave rather than stay. Also, please read two of my most recent articles that you may be able to appreciate as well,

        http://www.blacklifecoaches.net/2013/05/27/5-mindsets-that-hinder-black-women-from-relationship-success/

        http://www.blacklifecoaches.net/2013/06/03/5-attributes-that-help-women-achieve-relationship-success/

        Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I look forward to hearing more from you. SMILE.

        ATIYA
        http://www.themarriagetree.net

    • Sundance said:

      The article needs a morality check. Reasons 3,4,5 are not good enough reasons to leave. 1 and maybe 2 are, depending on the severity. Marriage is a commitment, a vow. The concept of a vow is that you stick with it even when you’re unhappy. That’s the whole point. You don’t leave because you “fear things won’t change”, or that you “lose hope”. These are statements that lack self-responsibility. Instead they perpetuate the notion that your partner is responsible for how you feel. Hence the last paragraph of the article. Sorry but this is wrong.
      Read the book “Everybody Marries the Wrong Person” by Christine Meinecke Ph.D. If there are no red flags associated with a person’s character, then leaving because you’re unhappy means that you are the problem not your partner. Because it means you cannot communicate, express and take control of your own happiness within the context of a relationship and the limitations of your partner – regardless of who that is.
      “Accept what you cannot change and change what you cannot accept”. Don’t run away because society and the economy portray that it is ok to do so, or because you lack the relationship skills to understand and address the issues. This is why statistics show that divorcees are 70% more likely to separate in relationships post marriage. Because they never address the real problem – themselves.

      • Thank you for sharing. The article is why some women leave their husbands. The article is not in need of a morality check, the article is simply outlining reasons why some women leave their husbands. Regardless of statistics, regardless as a person marrying the wrong person or the other issues you outline in your response, the fact remains is that women leave their marriage for some of the above reasons. It has nothing to do with fault or who you marry, this is WHY some women have stated that they left their husbands. Your problem is not with the article. Perhaps it is with the person who left. Nonetheless, thank you for sharing your thoughts.

  2. Seriously Speaking said:

    well with much more women that are Gay nowadays that certainly would have a lot to do with it too.

  3. There are some very good points in this article, and men should pay heed, but where are the articles which ask women to “woman up”? By that I mean actually communicating their concerns to their husbands instead of letting their frustration fester inside.

    You wrote “If a man gets into the habit of not listening to his wife, eventually someone else squirms their way into the picture and becomes a great listener. Need I say more?”

    WOW. Sounds like you are excusing women for having affairs and leaving their husbands because he’s not a great listener. That it’s okay to destroy their husband and break up a family because not all of her needs are getting met. That’s a really horrible line of thought. Who’s to say the next guy isn’t listening simply because he wants to get you (the married woman) into bed? This is the problem.. many women band together to excuse the very things they’d harass men for. Do you think it’s fine for a husband to leave a wife because she nags too much or he doesn’t feel admired? I doubt it. Well, maybe his feelings were hurt and he didn’t feel appreciated. Didn’t feel like the king. Does that give him the right to break his wife’s heart?

    Articles like these are very one-sided and don’t do anything to advance real understanding of marriages. Your assumption is that the wife by default is perfect, must be cherished and adored, and that the husband has areas in which he must succeed or lose her forever.

    “So men, my encouragement to you whether you are married or not, check your intentions, come correct, don’t perpetrate a fraud, remember she’s a queen, and man-up.”

    Marriages are 50/50.

    • Thank you for your comment. Marriage is not each partner giving half. It is partner giving their all. with that being said, the name of the article is, WHY WOMEN LEAVE THEIR HUSBANDS. That was the subject matter. Because I focused on a specific subject does not mean it is one sided or I dismissed the other points you mention. It was not an article about why men stray. I have touched on many of the things you talk about in other articles specifically about that subject. You just happened to read one that addressed the topic of women leaving their mates. I would suggest that you read the different topics I talk about and perhaps you might understand that I am not making excuses for women of or making an excuse. It sounds as if perhaps you have been hurt with this situation. Two articles you might want to start out with are:

      1. http://www.blacklifecoaches.net/2013/05/27/5-mindsets-that-hinder-black-women-from-relationship-success/
      2.http://www.blacklifecoaches.net/2013/08/08/seven-mindsets-that-hinder-black-men-from-relationship-success/

      Thanks.

    • Hi! Just like to say,i was married for 23years and my wife left me! Because we had argument.This was the first time you could say it was a big one.she went back in time,i could not believe! About 16 years things came out talk about storing things.Is that why they are call ELEPHANT! I my self wore my heart on my sleeve!!This is what i can’t understand.She broke me and l’m still going thought it now.when they have made they mine up you could say good bye! Now the whole family is suffering.Because she did not speck her mine.

      • Wow! I can see how this would be difficult. Although I listed why some women leave their husbands, it does not mean they are legitimate reasons. yes it is important that couples be transparent. Let me know if we can help in any way in terms of reconciliation. Please reach out to us at atiya@themarriagetree.net.

      • Thank for the reply! Just would like to say there two side of story.

      • You are correct there are. But the title of article is Why Women Leave Their Husbands. Therefore the focus was on that aspect. SMILE. It is in no way here to condemn men or to indite them. It has nothing to do with whether a woman should leave their husband or not or that he perhaps deserved to be left, it is merely to make clear the psyche and mindset that precludes why many women who have left their husband left.

        Men have a psyche as to why they leave their marriage as well. Yet this particular article was not about that. It is important to read the article objectively and understand the purpose of this particular piece of information. That way, perhaps you might appreciate it better. Thank you for reading the article.

      • Thank for your replying! I do understand now.Before when i was with my wife thinking we are the same people.But we are not,so man and womening need compromise! sometime you find that you are tied up in your own world.Now i have learned about about compromising in a marriage.

      • I prefer the term synergy. Synergy is taking the best from each individual and creating something unique and new. Each person is able to take ownership. Compromise denotes giving up something and healthy marriages and relationships are about transformation and creating something new. However YES! You get the point. Men and women are two different creatures with two very different perspectives and ways of looking at the world. When male and female are operating in synergy or Yin and Yang balance regardless as to the fulcrum of support, therein you have harmony. It is a constant struggle sometimes, but it can be done when two parties are willing. But there has to be love, understanding, compassion, patience, forgiveness, grace, and more. I hope this helps.

      • Yes i do understand! But its to late now.I treid to tell my wife this but she said she has fell out of love with me.And just drop just like that! Like there was not a care in the world.

      • In marriages, there are many seasons. However, take what you have learned and apply it to when you find your special queen and remarry. Be blessed and I wish you success.

  4. Certainly The Truth said:

    well there are much more Gay Women nowadays which may have a lot to do with it.

  5. why is it always about mens failures..to do the right thing…? i loved her with all my heart and soul… i could feel her pulling away… i was paying attention…
    and i asked her please do we need to talk about something?
    she always said no… she lied and hid from me.. not affairs etc… just pulling away in secret… i still love her with all i have.. but she just turned cold..
    yes the usual…” you dont listen to me” means..” you dont do what i want”
    she wanted me to have a surgery… so i had it.. knee surgery went bad..
    so i have been in pain 24 hours 365 for 14 years … and it destroyed me
    so she decided i was…” too old”…. “no fun any more””i dont listen any more”
    “too much time on thecomputer”(looking for work that i could do with pain 24/7 )

    BUT I DID WHAT SHE WANTED ME TO THIRTEEN YEARS AGO.
    NOW SHES GONE AND I AM DESTROYED …
    i loved her and did what she wanted
    then i was no good any more
    so shes gone..
    im lost..
    so..?
    Ltp

    • I feel your pain, some women just want to use you and then u are bruised and hurt for life, just look for the next relationship, there are good women out there.

  6. Thank u for wasting my time.
    Again it is all the man’s fault. I am sure you have the perfect relationship. Go jump in a lake.

    • Ross, I do not believe that it is always the man’s fault as to why a wife leaves her husband. This particular article outlines why women leave, which is based on reasons that women give as to why they leave a relationship. Perhaps you did not read the article objectively. The title of the article is, “Why Some Women Leave Their Husbands.” It is not about who’s fault it is when one leaves a relationship. If you are looking for something to address whatever challenges you might be having in your relationship, I implore you to look at all of the articles out there on my blog. Also visit our website at http://www.themarriagetree.net. Also, I have articles on http://www.blacklifecoaches.net/author/atiya/

      I hope this help.

  7. That is a great tip especially to those new to the blogosphere.
    Brief but very accurate information… Appreciate your sharing this one.

    A must read post!

      • I left my spouse for 3 of the reasons you mentioned, the abuse (emotional), not listening, and stagnation. As I approached 40 I guess you can say I had a wake up call or midlife crisis. Call it what you want but I realized my marriage was a death sentence and no form of counseling could help. It was time to move out and move forward no matter how tough it was going to be….and boyyyyy was it tough, financially that is. I am still struggling four years later but I am so happy and loving my life where I am. Life is too short to be miserable.

  8. […] Why Some Women Leave Their Husbands […]

  9. I left my spouse for 3 of the reasons you mentioned, the abuse (emotional), not listening, and stagnation. As I approached 40 I guess you can say I had a wake up call or midlife crisis. Call it what you want but I realized my marriage was a death sentence and no form of counseling could help. It was time to move out and move forward no matter how tough it was going to be….and boyyyyy was it tough, financially that is. I am still struggling four years later but I am so happy and loving my life where I am. Life is too short to be miserable.

  10. always i used to read smaller posts which as well clear their motive,
    and that is also happening with this piece of writing which I am reading
    at this place.

  11. Women are sick or at least mine is. 32 years of marriage and not even goodbye just left! Anyone might say maybe this or that…say all you want but people around us believed we were happy family and we where.
    Now I know women minds just simply crazy! And if I have a chance to start my life over (which is too late just hypothetically) I will never trust a woman!

  12. Mohan Thapa said:

    The same thing happen to me, is my wife left me its been 4 months and she sint even sah anything to me and we got married almost 4 and half years. And she left me and my son. And see i am suffering my family are suffering and also mumson who is just 3 and half year old and without any imformation she left and said shemsoent wsnt to come back and really thats hard to believe as she was so nice to me and for my family loved her alot. They never scold not even anything they said and I never scold her not bitten her. Why she left till now there is no answer… May be she loved someone and why she left me and her son ya n so why it is happening to me. I have not been said anything to her. My life just left me.. please comment me as i want to know some women are so mad and dint think about future. Its been so long time and search her everywhr but i couldnt trace her not even poloce find her and her family knows everything about her but dont want to speak in front of police not with us why it happened can u just reply.. I want to know what has happened i dint even lie her also.. please let me some women are mad or what..!!!!!!!!

  13. I love this! It’s put into words that I can clearly understand.

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