Real Talk About Relationships and Married Life

black-woman-attitude with redThe majority of my blogs and articles are universal. However, in this particular post, I want to specifically address a mindset in the “Black Community” that is destroying the chances and opportunity for some Black Women to experience the real power and joy of Black on Black Love.

The biggest enemy to the relationship dynamic in the Black community is the lack of respect and honor of one another as Black men and Black women. No matter how messed up either may be, to say either is damaged beyond repair is further perpetuation of a conditioning process which stems back to the plantation literally and figuratively. Whether you believe slavery actually existed or not is irrelevant here. What we are discussing is a mindset which stems back generations that has not quite been uprooted. While it is true that Blacks cannot continue to blame others for the condition in the Black community and thus must take responsibility for its state, a logical person however would understand that there are certain principles and dynamics which becomes extremely relevant when discussing the science of mating – or as some may call it, “dating.”

I hear some Black women say things like there is a lack of available or “good” Black men out there or all men are dogs. It’s no surprise that the women usually making these sorts of claims are perpetually and involuntarily single. Ladies, it’s a mindset! So what I want to do here is shed some light on the reasons as to why you might be single when you would otherwise choose to be in a healthy relationship with your Black counterpart or why you go from relationship to relationship not finding “the one.” After reading this, you may want to ask yourself, “Do I hold any of these mindsets?” Then if you realize that perhaps you might and have the courage to acknowledge it, then you are well on your way to freeing your mind and opening your heart to allow true love to come in.

Five Mindsets that Hinders Black Women From Relationship Success

1. Bitter Barbara

Bitter Barbara is a type of women who makes many outward attempts at femininity, yet is hard to the core. She is a disenfranchised woman who has been deeply hurt by a man and consequently blames all men for her pain. She most likely gave one man all of herself unconditionally although he may not have deserved it. Bitter Barbara has spent years blaming all men for the actions of one or a few and is so hard on every man who would dare to love her like he is the one who personally hurt her. She has not been able to rationally separate the “baby from the bathwater,” therefore throws both out. What Bitter Barbara may fail to realize is that she perhaps had many “good” Black men come in and out of her life, but she couldn’t see past her pain.

Bitter Barbara does not understand that her pain is partly a consequence of her own choices, and therefore she must also take some measure of responsibility. When it comes to “love and marriage and the baby carriage,” not too many Black men are interested in a woman who is just plain bitter, and would assume deal with a white woman. Unfortunately this makes Bitter Barbara even more bitter.

2. Independent  Ilene

Independent Ilene is the type of woman who doesn’t need a man to take care of her. She has her own house, her own car, a decent to high paying job, can move the refrigerator and furniture or pay someone to do it for her. Independent Ilene can “bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan” and really only needs a male to help her “get her rocks off” and then again she doesn’t even need a male for that because she has her battery operated man replacement in the drawer. Independent Ilene has the attitude that Black men are intimidated by “strong Black women.” Yet, is misguided in terms of what a real “strong Black woman” looks like.

Independent Ilene usually has “daddy issues.” Her own “daddy” taught her either directly or indirectly that she must know how to take care of herself and that she doesn’t need a man to take care of her. What independent Ilene fails to understand is that when men think in terms of fun and play, she will fit the bill mainly because she can foot the bill. However, she is thrown off her square when men look for “wife material” and she gets passed over. She doesn’t get that it is her mindset that keeps her out of the running.

Independent Ilene doesn’t understand that there is a very big difference between male and man, and that a real man is not looking for an Independent Ilene or a woman who competes with him, rather he is looking for a woman who is feminine, loving, with mothering attributes. She also has not gotten the point that a “strong Black woman” is not measured by the ability to take care of one’s self; that is a necessary life skill to which all people must possess.

A “strong Black woman” first and foremost is one who recognizes that she needs a man. Second, a “strong Black woman” is one who understands the power of synergy in her relationship with her man and is learning to master the art and science of keeping her house. Independent Ilene has not grasped the fact that a real “strong Black woman” is not looking for a boy toy, she is set on connecting with a committed Black man who understands his role as a man and willing to fulfill that role and not allow an Independent Ilene to wear the pants that he was meant to wear.

Independent Ilene hasn’t learned that no matter how much money a woman has in the bank, a “strong Black woman” would not dare depower her man or handicap him by stepping into his role as a man. Further, Independent Ilene does not understand that no matter how many toys are in the drawer, there is nothing like the “real thing baby!”

Independent Ilene projects herself as above need of a man, yet a real man needs to be needed by his “woman.”

3. Religious Rhonda

Religious Rhonda is the type of woman who is religious, yet lacks spirituality. She is looking for Jesus incarnate and if Jesus were to knock on her door, he would not measure up to her standards either. Religious Rhonda is looking for a man who doesn’t exits. She refuses to accept that the only “perfect” man is one who may be perfect for her. Therefore, no man is ever good enough. Yet, she sits around complaining with her girlfriends who are “birds of a feather flocking together,” that there are no available “good” Black men because they are either in jail, in prison, homosexual or don’t want anything more in life.

Religious Rhonda is under the illusion that relationships do not take work and that, things automatically falls in place with no effort on her part. She has an attitude that the man must bring a whole list of attributes to the table, but she is unable to bring to the table similar attributes. She feels it is for the man to do all the work and for the woman to simply reap the rewards of his labor. She wants the status, but does not look at the substance.

Religious Rhonda can quote the scripture like you wouldn’t believe. She knows the word frontwards and backwards; however she fails to understand the deeper principles of the scripture and its application that comes along with being a spiritual person. Religious Rhonda is related to Self-righteous Sally. As a matter of fact they are first cousins. When you see one you usually see the other as they are bosom buddies. You often see them both in the midst of conflict in spiritual houses. They are either hating on other women who have a man wondering how they got him, or a constant third wheel. Black men run from the drama that comes with Religious Rhonda and Self-righteous Sally.

4. Demanding Deena

Demanding Deena is so hard to please that no matter what you do for her she is never satisfied. Demanding Deena does not realize the difference between demanding something with her mouth and commanding it with her actions. With a Demanding Deena, everything is urgent and priority when it comes to her needs. She has an attitude that she is owed something and everything must cease until her needs are met.

Demanding Deena is very needy and believes that the source of her happiness lies in the hands of the man in her life. She is extremely frustrated and it’s obvious that she needs some sort of release, but fails to understand that she has unrealistic expectations. Her expectations of him are far above what is rational or even fair. There is no room for shortcomings as anyone she deals with must be on top of his game 100% of the time.

Demanding Deena is argumentative, controlling, hard, and bossy. Men usually just want to do whatever they can to get away from a Demanding Deena; and Demanding Deena has not realized that men are not interested in a woman with more testosterone than him.

5. Loose Lucy

Every man knows that Loose Lucy gives up the “coochie.” It doesn’t matter whether he is worthy or not, Loose Lucy believes the only way to get or keep a man is to open her legs. Loose Lucy believes that taking the relationship to the next level means having sex. Waiting for marriage is not in the context of her understanding of a possibility to attract the right kind of man. She has an attitude that once she gives in to a man’s sexual advances, he is obligated to her. Loose Lucy does not respect herself and suffers from low self-esteem. Loose Lucy perhaps might be a product of sexual abuse, molestation, or incest and perhaps struggles with the word, “no.”

In many cases, if a Loose Lucy has a baby, she will have babies by several different men. If she doesn’t have children in her younger years, she usually will bear children if at all later in life. Some Loose Lucies will get pregnant in an attempt to entrap a man, believing that will make him stay. Loose Lucy will sleep with friends, brothers, and maybe even fathers, sons or cousins. Loose Lucy is desperate for a man and when she feels one will take the time to wine and dine her or pay her mind, she will bear it all for him believing that this time it’s the one.

Loose Lucy doesn’t realize that her reputation comes long before she does; and those of the male persuasion who is wooing her often is looking to get laid then leave. There are two types of women that men deal with, ones to have fun with and one to bring home to meet the parents. Loose Lucy is the “booty call” not the altar call. She is a cow that every Tom, Dick, and Harry is milking and then wonders why no one is interested in buying the cow.

This might sound crass. But there is a reason why some Black women do not have a man. And to the women who would much rather publicly degrade all or most of our brothers for their actual or perceived shortcomings, and deemed them damaged beyond repair, keeps you involuntary single or in relationships that are fulfilling, because you are denying that you are part of the problem. While you may not be entirely the problem, you are however the key. Black women are the first teachers, the first nurses, the first nurturers in a man’s life, therefore, if what you see is an undesirable Black man then you owe it to them and yourselves to help them meet their obligations as a man by being a better woman.

Your comments and feedback are always welcomed and appreciated.
Advertisements

Comments on: "Five Mindsets That Hinder Black Women From Relationship Success" (54)

  1. this is very real. and is the 5 mindsets i run into all the time. thank you for your wisdom, and being bold enough to speak the truth,

    von

  2. thank you for being bold and speaking the truth, i have been saying this for years, you are 100% on point, this needs to go viral, i have sent it to every one I know,

    Von

  3. A lot of truth in what you write

  4. marilyn said:

    All 5 of them hold no boundaries.

  5. Thank you for this Atiya I needed to read this it truly help to shed light on my current situation.I know several brothers who are pretty successful and some that aren’t that successful who refuse to date,marry or get involved with sisters because of these 5 personalities that you have described so vividly. I had married a combination of Loose Lucy and Demanding Disrespectful Deena…and I’m currently in the midst of a divorce..The things she did left a hole in my heart because I waited a very long time to get married . I’m 44 without kids and I’m straight but anyway I’ll never give up on my sisters…

  6. Been saying this for years but as a man I’m wrong. Hopefully the sisters wil listen to you. Great blog.

    • Thank you! SMILE. Sometimes it is hard to look into the mirror, but the only way to take a good long hard look at yourself is to look into the mirror. We see ourselves to put on make-up, to cover blemishes, to clean our skin, to make sure our clothes hang the way we intend them to and for many occasions. It is even more important to look into the proverbial mirror and check the other stuff. SMILE. Thanks for reading the blog and taking the time to comment. SMILE.

  7. if this wasn’t written by a woman, I’d be a little offended. I good book about this subject is Brainwashed: Challenging the Myth of Black Inferiority by Tom Burrell

  8. What about shallow shamika?

  9. Frances cabral said:

    This spoke volume!!!! I had to share this on Facebook. Gotta let my sisters out there what it’s all about. Thank you for posting this!

  10. Great article, from a woman point of view as men how should we deal or handle the bitter barbara, independent Illene and the demanding deena.

    • Thank you for your comment. SMILE. I will respond to your question via another article. Your question was a very rich one and is a great way to educate the masses. Please stay tuned. SMILE.

      • kimon randall said:

        Thank you for your response. I am afraid that may be too late because with my situation I need to take immediate action. I was looking for some guidance to do so instead of reacting on my own intuition. I was hoping you would have offer a preferable solution and if it work I would have consider seeking out your professional counseling. Date: Sat, 28 Dec 2013 15:58:05 +0000 To: kimonr@hotmail.com

  11. Great article, thank you for your insight.

    I know this is hard for most people to fathom but there is also the sixth man (woman) on the bench. Let’s call her Freedom Frieda. Unlike the other women
    on the team, Freedom Frieda has no interest in a committed, long-term relationship with a man however, she values occasional dating,meaningful interactions with like-minded men and great sex. Unlike Ilene, she doesn’t attempt to “one-up” a man in order to prove her power, but rather, she is steadfast in her believe that the value of her life’s experiences is not contingent upon her relationship status. Furthermore, Freedom Frieda is not plagued by any apparent “daddy issues” lol.
    I never hear about this woman because the forgone conclusion is that every woman desires a long-term relationship that ultimately ends in marriage. As status quo as this assumption may be, that is simply not the case.

  12. Romafella said:

    Well I can tell you know what you’re talking about, especially speaking about how our relationships stem from our history. you described almost to a tee the girl I fell in love with who was Loose Lucy, we stayed together off and on for 12 years producing one daughter but never got married. She was very attractive, strong minded business woman who was so much fun. I am 15 years older than her and when I got in my fifties I guess she got tired of trying to get me to marry her that she finally moved out. I really did want to marry her, especially since we have a kid together but she insisted on being flirtateous and playing her silly games, she felt she was entitled to do that, I didn’t believe that was appropiate for two people getting married. But since she was so young, sexually amazing, stunning looking and hella fun I was happy just keeping it boyfriend and girlfriend. I think the perfect girl for me now would be something in the middle of a Loose Lucy and another, because they are so much fun, it’s hard to find another woman who could do the things she could do, for the most part they all remind me of the old Victorian women, BORING.

  13. I appreciate your passion to help others, I feel so angry sometimes and I hold on to it one minute too long:meaning I’m tired of feeling upset. My situation is complicated. I have kids involved. Do you gibe extended advice or have helpful tips for two black 32 year old babies with teens and toddlers in the home with sensitive offensive mommy and depressed no more will daddy/father figure. I wanted him so bad but he’s here and I’m not always happy.

  14. Really? Your observations are very narrow minded and do not share the larger perspective of the dysfunction in this whole society when it comes to maintaining the family that include centuries of forced removals that has resulted in lack of extended family for support, debt burdens from being under appreciated, burden for education and childcare, lack of mobility for the whole unit due to the pressures of institutional racism etc…. You need to dig deeper and do another article with some real facts identifying stereotypes based on the above realities and more. If yo did one on men would you label them, Selfish Sam, Mommy’s boy Toy boy Tyrone, Curtis in the Closet and Two faced Uncle Tom. The Master/Slave dialectic is the center of every social contract in America. Take the self righteous blinkers off your eyes and know this problem is bigger and more insidious than you can ever imagine.

  15. Really? Your observations are very narrow minded and do not share the larger perspective of the dysfunction in this whole society when it comes to maintaining the family that include centuries of forced removals that has resulted in lack of extended family for support, debt burdens from being under appreciated, burden for education and childcare, lack of mobility for the whole unit due to the pressures of institutional racism etc…. You need to dig deeper and do another article with some real facts identifying stereotypes based on the above realities and more. If you did one on men would you label them, Selfish Sam, Mommy’s boy Toy boy Tyrone, Curtis in the Closet and Two faced Uncle Tom. The Master/Slave dialectic is the center of every social contract in America. Take the self righteous blinkers off your eyes and know this problem is bigger and more insidious than you can ever imagine.

  16. uh this was very interesting for me to read as a heterosexual woman, I completely agreed with almost everything you said up to this ” Loose Lucy perhaps might be a product of sexual abuse, molestation, or incest and perhaps struggles with the word, “no.” I completely disagree with that first of THEY ARE VICTIMS meaning they didn’t AGREE to it . I think the point you were trying to make is that , loose lucy doesn’t know herself therefore doesn’t love and respect herself and uses her sexuality as a tool to feel in control , control that she thinks she didnt have when she was a victim of sexual abuse ,molestation etc…

    ps: educate with love and compassion and don’t be so loose with your words 🙂

    Peace love & light .

    • Thank you for your comment. It is much appreciated that you have taken the time to read the article and offer valuable feedback. Thank you.

      With respect to your comment about Loose Lucy, in the statement in the article, “Loose Lucy does not respect herself and suffers from low self-esteem. Loose Lucy perhaps might be a product of sexual abuse, molestation, or incest and perhaps struggles with the word, “no.” This statement was not dealing with the victimization of a “victim of abuse” but rather sharing in some cases that promiscuity is a result of certain circumstances that arises out of abusive situations. There is no implication in the article about blaming Loose Lucy for abuse if in fact that is the root factor behind her “looseness.” This is why I intentionally stated, “Loose Lucy perhaps might be a product of sexual abuse,…”

      PERHAPS MIGHT BE A PRODUCT OF abuse…gives a possible reason as to what factors played a role in Loose Lucy becoming loose. While I respect the wording you used to describe Loose Lucy from your understanding and vantage point; however no I was not trying to make the point “that Loose Lucy doesn’t know herself therefore doesn’t love and respect herself and uses her sexuality as a tool to feel in control , control that she thinks she didn’t have when she was a victim of sexual abuse ,molestation etc.”

      The Mindset of Loose Lucy as outlined in this article is not about control, it is about feeling loved and the connection she makes between love and sex which causes her to struggle with the word, “no.” In this context of this article, Loose Lucy equates love with sex.

      Again, thank you for your valuable feedback. It is requested and welcomed. SMILE.

      Atiya

      Loose Lucy does not respect herself and suffers from low self-esteem. Loose Lucy perhaps might be a product of sexual abuse, molestation, or incest and perhaps struggles with the word, “no.”

  17. Adrienne Michelle Muhammad said:

    Greetings. Here I go again! Learning about self. I am looking forward to my “How To Take Care of your Husband” Course. Continued success Sister Atiya!

  18. Every one of these types sound like they need serious professional help. Its too bad people don’t try to achieve a healthy mind before seeking a relationship. The truth is, if these type women would work to improve their mental health, they would be happier with or without a man. Unfortunately, in the black community there are too many forces that contribute to, that foster, that even encourage these types of mind sets. We like to romanticize the Black Community. But the fact is, many people, both male and female, would do themselves a favor by getting out of these communities if they are able to. Besides the high level of violence and heartache in general in these communities, there is a predatory ethic in most Black communities. There is almost a philosophy of the stronger exploiting the weaker. The same negative philosophies about life are passed down by family members, peers, even the pulpit. Immersed in these seas of negativity about Black people in general, its a miracle anyone can have a healthy mindset. I am not advocating seeking someone outside one’s race, because I consider race to be mostly a social construct anyway. I am advocating getting out of Black communities at as early an age as possible, because most Black communities are hideously unhealthy places.

  19. Kellie Harris said:

    This blog is a great insight on relationship hinderances women face everyday.Love is the most difficult emotion to go through and your insight is a blessing 🙂

  20. I agree. We must rise above these mindsets, because many black men perpetuate them as well. We have to not see self empowerment as power over one another. This is especially harmful when it plays out in front of our children. That whole “Black men/women ain’t s***” foolishness has to go.

  21. I so much agree with it. It is all just a mindset. We should not cripple ourselves potential by the opinion of others. What others would have to say about us cannot change our self worth. Please let me share this fantastic awesome gift fro those getting married or going to a gags try the new fake Ultrasound design from fakeababy. This is so nice. Laughter is the best antidote of stress.

  22. You should speak about how you can reverse this attributes of find solutions to them..

  23. This was so hurtful yet true and I thank u for it. I believe I’m all of these women rolled into one. No I don’t want to be this way but it’s also all I know. I don’t think that all men are alike and I have recognized my fault in my mess. Just need help or give up and be alone till the day I die.

    • Thank you for reading this post and being honest with yourself most of all, and that you for offering honest feedback. Beloved you do not have to be that way and can certainly make whatever changes in your life you want to make. Yes, sometimes we need a little encouragement and help along the way or even an accountability partner. By all means, I invite you to contact me and consider collaborating on helping you to go to the next level of your journey. I’m here for you. SMILE. Email me at atiya@themarriagetree.net and let’s talk about how I can assist you on your journey. SMILE.

      – Atiya

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Tag Cloud

%d bloggers like this: