Real Talk About Relationships and Married Life

Archive for December, 2012

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Two Words That Solves the Marriage Crisis

love-is-trustThere are two words that solve the whole marriage crisis. They are love and trust, and this applies to everyone whether you are married or single. For the single person, love and trust God enough to hold on to your vision of marriage until that special one comes. For the married couples love and trust each other enough to know that God sent the right one.

 I was very touched by an article written by Lesahaun Taylor, author of the book entitled, “It Was Me All Along” that I wanted to post it here in Dear Atiya with my comments.

 Article by LeShaun Taylor:

Often times we talk about the awesome pluses to being single. Freedom to come and go as you please, not having to ride an emotional roller coaster and being able to date multiple people with no attachments. With so much divorce, financial strains, and infidelity it doesn’t even seem worth the effort.

Some have determined themselves to be married to singleness. Divorce has become so common place, within the church and out, that our hope, innocence and belief system in love and trust has been damaged. I heard a wise man say how beautiful it is for a child to keep the hope and excitement for Christmas and Santa Clause alive.

It gives them something to look forward to and no matter what, that gleam in their eyes of excitement and joy is priceless. I will say this about being single, enjoy it but don’t put a ring on! Trust that the man or woman in your vision, is on the way to help you with the vision.

Comments by Atiya:

Great article and very timely. SMILE. I encourage abstinence until marriage. It is so very important to respect, love, and appreciation in marriage. While abstinence has always been a goal of mine from very young, I like many fell short of reaching it until now. In my current marriage, I finally achieved that goal, and I am married to a wonderful man of God, no doubt about it! SMILE.

What most people do not realized is that a Godly arranged marriage opens both husband and wife up to their healing from their past and those who are running from the commitment that comes with marriage is in truth running from their own healing. Likewise, divorce happens because one runs from their healing, or the other is refusing to go through the process of healing.

I would like to add though that, singleness is not just a mindset that people who are not married take on, it is one of the greatest problems in marriage that triggers all sorts of other issues that can lead to a one way trip to divorce court.

It is natural for someone who is single to have a single mindset. However, a supernatural mindset is needed for marriage, and when one walks through that door of holy matrimony, couples must be prepared for a new paradigm and learn to move with both speed and accuracy, because at that point, the couple is operating in another realm. If they are not prepared, not sincerely ready to walk that walk, or afraid of losing themselves, the ride can get pretty bumpy and lessons learned the hard way.

The world of singleness and the world of holy matrimony are very different, and if people would truly open their eyes and really look at what is going on around them, they would be able to see from a different perspective and a discerning pair of eyes. The problem is two fold.

Single people who hate singleness and do not prepare, understand, or hold the vision of marriage, consciously or unconsciously wages war on the world of matrimony. The marriage becomes invaded by inappropriate emotional attachments between married and non married persons of the opposite gender, thus breaking a bond necessary for marriage to thrive. This happens through things like facebook, twitter, other social media. This happens through friendships, job, church. The sad thing is that the persons who have been possessed fails to realize that they have lost their balance, and the married person will begin to see their spouse as the enemy and the single person will begin to unconsciously or consciously do things out of a lustful spirit such as go online just to see if the person is there, dress to gain the attention of the married person, make themselves always present and available just in case the married person needs them.

Married couples who have not totally committed themselves to the process of marriage or whose intentions were not really on marriage at the onset but rather to get a woman or a man rather than a husband or a wife, or who is struggling to make that paradigm shift for whatever reasons breaks down the marriage and erects walls of division by not building hedges of protection around it. They are exposed by faulty reasoning such as this is mine and that is yours, these are my friends, those are your friends, and I need more space, not realizing that there is a huge gap of space that is filled with everything else other than the spouse. Married couples must have a shared vision for their marriage, because single visions in marriage do not work. It takes the spirit of love and harmony – we, us, and ours. Married couples must cover one another as not to leave the other exposed. Friendships and relationships must be healthy and whole and friendships of the marriage. How can two walk together unless they be agreed.

It takes a whole lot more than walking down the aisle saying “I do” or “I will.”

Singleness is a temporary condition that is designed for a short time to allow for the opportunity to prepare. Marriage is a lifelong journey and takes a lifelong commitment to the process and the ability to move within a new paradigm with speed and accuracy.

For husband and wives I ask, “Have you noticed that the words Listen and Silent have all the same letters?” God sent this message through a Godly friend who understands the vision of marriage. SMILE. This is no coincidence. The key is husbands need to listen more to their wives; and wives need to be more silent and let The One touch her husband’s heart.

Hopefully, the man gets the message before he falls and the woman gets the point before she loses her mind. A husband must love his wife enough to put her before everything else except The One. The wife must trust her husband enough to let go and let God. Husband and wives must never stop believing in one another. No matter what the world says or the world’s way of doing it is, a husband has the right to be in everything the wife does, and the wife has the right to be in everything the husband does. Whether they exercise that right in all cases, when they do, it would behoove the other to pay very close attention. There is a reason for it. Usually that reason is a warning signal from the spiritual realm which reads: Attack or Threat of Attack. Nine times out of ten, the woman sees it first, this is why it is so important to listen.

They both must understand that it takes working together to maintain balance and there is no such thing in a healthy marriage of “my business” or “your business.” It is about “OUR” business. This must be the attitude of married couples and they must come to understand that anything the other does or says impacts the other. That impact can be life or it can be death. That’s how serious this thing is.

Love is not a game, so stop playing the field; and what God has joined together let no man or woman put asunder!

Your comments are requested and welcomed.

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Getting Into the Rhythm of Things

Balance between husband and wife

I believe everyone suffers from a bit of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, although at varying degrees; which depends on what they have gone through in life. Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome is a mental health condition that is triggered by a terrifying event. It can develop when a person goes through, sees or hears about something that causes intense fear, helplessness, and horror. The impact can be very devastating and cause one to have flashbacks of the events, isolate themselves from social circles that present perceived threats of that event reoccurring again, and more.

Healthy relationships in general help people to heal from the issues of their past. However for this column I will specifically discuss marriage. Healthy marriages help people to heal from various issues. The reason is because this whole process is really about balance; and a healthy marriage is one that is in alignment. When a couple is aligned it encourages and supports continuous balance.

When two people get married, each person comes to the table with a set of weaknesses and a set of strengths. These can also be viewed as a set of fears and the capacity to give loving energy as to offset or help the other overcome their fears.

Fear causes a person to react to situations and circumstances in somewhat of a panicked state, no matter how well they mask it. Their fears are almost usually connected to childhood trauma. Some fears also come about as a result of trauma that happens throughout life. Therapy helps a person to mentally work through and process what has happened and helps them to confront, accept, and cope with the situation as a part of their past. It is a mental health process that is most effective when it takes place immediately after a traumatic event. This may explain why many therapists are moving toward life coaching as a means of helping, because the truth is the impact of childhood traumas are not really fully realized until one has reached adulthood.

Life coaching helps a person to build their emotional intelligence skills to help them move forward. This process is not an easy one and requires one to take one or a few steps at a time. Healing does not happen overnight, and memories from traumatic events may never completely disappear. However, having a healthy circle of friendship and being surrounded by people who understand your fears and are able to provide the necessary support system to help you get through tough times is essential.

Marriage is wonderful because it allows both husband and wife the opportunity to confront their fears, while learning to be supportive of each other and allowing one another the opportunity to not only empty but to fill as well through consistent loving, compassionate, and patient communication. The process is not all listening or all talking. It is a healthy balance of both and at times just active sharing through silence.

For example going to the beach together – one may choose to rest on the cot while the other chooses to swim or play in the water. They both may choose to take a walk together. The beach scenario is an example, where there’s no need for a lot of words to be exchanged. This is a moment that allows the couple to be together and have the necessary space to heal and restore.

A husband and wife strengthen one another where they are weak. You complement or offset a weakened spirit through love, compassion, and patience and by learning to give the other what is needed. To do that, is to understand their fears. Just like it is necessary to take baby steps to overcome fears, it is equally necessary for the one compensating to take baby steps as well. This helps the weakened spirit become strong without draining the energy of the one that is strong.

The question is not about being a spirit breaker or a spirit maker as much as it is about learning to give and receive in proper proportion to allow a soul to be restored.

The idea of marriage is for a husband and wife to help maintain the greatness in each other’s character and to cover one another’s weaknesses. A healthy marriage is one where husband and wife are friends of one another and have a healthy circle of friends to help support their marriage.

People can reclaim their power by helping others. Marriage provides a daily opportunity to do this, taking one step at a time.

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Thrown a Curve Ball

torn baseball

Dear Atiya:

I need some advice on a recent relationship break-up of four years. I feel I have been hurt badly by my now ex partner. The relationship was going nowhere fast and the upshot is we both decided to call it a day. What really hurt me though is the way she went about ending the relationship. She basically instructed a solicitor to take legal action against me by way of writing to me ordering me to get out of the property by a certain date and if my ex partner was to contact the solicitor to say I had not gone, then they would take further action and take me to court. As you can imagine, that knocked me sideways x100! How could she have done something so hurtful? She said she did it to cover herself. Every time I speak about it to her, she says, “It’s done now; we can’t change it; we have to move on.”

I am Catholic by religion. I want to forgive her for it as she does want us to remain friends and I too want us to remain friends. If I could understand why she did it in the first place, it might be a bit easier to deal with. I am full of mixed emotions at the moment towards her. Sometimes I feel I hate her for what she did. But if I don’t think about it, then it doesn’t affect me really. However, it tends to rear its ugly head from time to time and that at the moment is preventing me from ‘moving on’. So my question to you, I guess is how can I put it all behind me, forgive my ex partner and pursue a lasting friendship?

– Hurt and Confused, United Kingdom

Dear Hurt and Confused:

First let me say that ending a four relationship is difficult no doubt about it; and it is understandable that you feel the way you do under the circumstances, particularly since the two of you agreed to call it quits. If there was a mutual decision to split up and the situation was devoid of any violence or fear of violence, then with the same level of calm and maturity that you and your ex-partner used to end the relationship, could have been employed to discuss who would move out and when. Based on what you stated in your letter, there was no need to involve a solicitor unless there are other factors that you did not mention.

Communication is critical in any type of relationship. While the two of you ended the intimate connection, it is possible to remain friends. However, there are unresolved issues which exist between the two of you that would impede the development of any real and authentic friendship. So, although the two of you perhaps may want to have a long-lasting friendship, this would not be truly possible until you are able to work through the issues that have been swept aside.

It is not enough to say, “It’s done now; we can’t change it; we have to move on.” To do so is not being very “friendly.” Friends care about one another. They trust each other and want the best for the other. They do not do things to intentionally hurt you and when they do hurt you, they do everything in their power to mend the situation and make sure that you are okay.

Based on what you shared, if your ex-partner wants to continue a friendship, then she must be willing to sit down and work through the issue that is keeping you from moving on. It is true, you may not be able to change what has already happened, but you can change how you respond to situations. Now, it is possible to move on even if she decides not to discuss the matter with you. However, I am not so sure the moving on would include the two of you being friends. You can forgive a person if it is in your heart to do so; but forgiving a person does not mean that they have to continue to be a part of your life.

There are trust and communication issues here. It is very difficult to build a relationship, whether it is romantic love or friendship, in the absence of trust and the ability to communicate about basic things.

My advice to you would be to invite her to sit down and talk through the solicitor matter with you and discuss why she felt she needed to take such drastic measures. It is fine if you do not agree, but it is important to be open and honest with one another so that you can put closure to the matter. If she refuses or continues to “stonewall” you, then perhaps you may want to plan to move on with your life without her in it, as she is not a true friend.

– Atiya

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