Real Talk About Relationships and Married Life

From the perspective of men, there are two types of women: Those who they want to take home to meet mother dear; and those that they just want to have fun with. I know several men who for all intended purposes would be considered great catches. They are men who are not looking to date or play the field, but are actually ready to settle down to a “good choice.” I’ve listened as they discuss their challenges of finding a woman who is ready to be married, prepared to be in a serious relationship, and who does not come with a trail of baggage.

On the other hand, from the standpoint of women, there are very few available good men out there. I hear their cries as they vent their frustrations trying to find a man who is ready to be in a committed and exclusive relationship, who is able to provide for a wife, has cut the apron strings from mommy dearest, and who does not have a tribe of children by different women or wanted from the states’ child support division. I have met several women who have become disheartened while hoping, praying, and anticipating Mr. Right to walk into their life after finally shaking Mr. Wrong off of their arm, or kicking Mr. Game out of their house, from behind the wheel of their car, and out of their purse.

As if that is not devastating enough, then there’s the viewpoint of media who asserts fewer people are getting married, especially among communities of color. So, the billion dollar question becomes, “With all of the available “good” men out there, why aren’t our sisters making the connection?

Mr. and Mrs. Right

Sisters, it must be noted that in order to meet an available man of good quality, you must be an available woman of good quality. If you are one who is waiting on Mr. Right to walk through that door, it is very critical that you are Mrs. Right prepared on the other side of that threshold.

Many women, some of whom I know, are holding out for a man that doesn’t exist. Others are waiting on Jesus himself. There are several women who find themselves 10 plus years divorced or forever single as a result of looking for the “perfect” man and having a list of criteria that is not only sometimes utterly ridiculous, unrealistic, but let the truth be told, if someone held them up to that same standard, they themselves would not meet the grade. The only perfect man out there is the one that may be perfect and compatible for you. Don’t get me wrong, I am not advocating for you to settle for less than what you deserve. You are justified in having standards and being firm with respect to those standards. I get it. Infidelity is not an option. A man not taking care of his children is not an option. One who does not have a relationship with God is not an option. Yet, what I am saying though is that every relationship takes work, and if you think you are going to meet a man, push the relationship forward without having the straightforward, heart-to-heart dialogue, perhaps you are not looking at the situation in its proper perspective. Communication is the number one component necessary to inspire a man to take the relationship to the next level. He needs to know before he does that love dance, that his heart is safe with you.

Knowing What You Want

One of the most critical mistakes that many women make is, they expect men to read their minds. How will he know what you want, unless you tell him? You have to be mature enough to have deep and serious discussions. Men protect their hearts like we protect our minds. How do you expect for him to understand what the expectations are and visa-versa if you do not talk about them and put them on the table? As women, we expect men to be able to provide, protect and to profess their undying love for us consistently without fail. We expect men to work for the relationship, but are you willing as a woman to put forth the same effort to make him feel respected, admired and appreciated? Do you make him a priority in your life? If you are making him an option, then perhaps he too is making the relationship one.

There are plenty of eligible men out there who are actively looking for Mrs. Right to show up. For most men, who are pursuing that special woman – that forever kind of “I do” love, the glass slipper often fits a woman with the following characteristics:

  •  Feminine – A woman who loves being a woman, dressing like a woman, smelling like a      woman, taking the feminine disposition and not being intimidated or threatened about her femininity and womanhood. In other words, it is not necessary to squat, lift that 5-gallon of Hinckley Springs water jug to place it on the dispenser although you might be able to do it 6-days a week. When a man is present, don’t be afraid to step aside and let him flex.
  • Not Overly Independent – A woman who appreciates chivalry, and recognizes that while she can do it alone, she really does need and want a man in her life. In other words, it’s okay to let him bring home the “bacon,” while you fry it up in a pan and never let him forget he’s the man.
  • Appreciates a “Good Man” – A woman who appreciates a nice new set of luggage and has no problem getting rid of old baggage such as unhealthy male and female relationships, bad habits, uncivilized behaviors, foul mouth, unresolved emotional issues, baby daddy dramas, and who does not blame her man for issues from past relationships. In other words, stop trying to send your man to prison for what another man did to you. Deal with your issues and stop blaming him for them or expecting him to accept them in his life because you chose to accept them in yours.
  • Says What She Means and Means What She Says – A woman who is decisive, knows what she wants, not afraid to ask for it, firm and unwilling to compromise her integrity. In other words, stand on your principles and what you say and by all means stop giving up the “cookie” before marriage. You are      worth it – make him wait for it, he’ll appreciate it and respect you more.
  • Realistic – A woman who is unpretentious, objective, mature, balanced and does not have unrealistic expectations or high standards that no person on the face of the earth could reach. In other words, stop expecting a man to be perfect. Every human being has frailties. If you are searching for something wrong, I guarantee you will find it, and if you stick around long enough in the relationship, you are sure to see some weaknesses. However, are those weaknesses and frailties deal breakers? That is what you have to decide. If you look for reasons as to why the relationship won’t work, you are bound to find them. Examine if it is a healthy and whole relationship and determine if it has the ingredients necessary to stand the test of time.
  • Appreciative, Loving, Compassionate – A woman who is a friend and who appreciates the little things he does and helps him to believe he can conquer the world, and makes much ado about even the      smallest of things he does to demonstrate his love and appreciation for her. In other words, get rid of the urge to knit-pick every little thing he does until he feels he has to walk on egg shells. Don’t take things so serious all the time. Relax a little.
  • Willingness to be Vulnerable and Transparent – A woman who is willing and able to talk about and through the hard stuff such as spirituality; love and intimacy; sex, sexual preferences, STD’s, sexual partners; health; finances/spending habits, children, fears; dreams, aspirations, goals; education, emotional challenges, vulnerabilities, infidelity, commitment; the past, the present, the future; successes, failures, death and life.

Marriage is a beautiful way of life. Yet, it takes a certain mindset, which goes far beyond walking down the aisle and saying, “I do.” Preparation is key, and at every turn, it is a process which takes work, commitment and a willingness to work together for the good of the whole.

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Comments on: "Want to Get Married?" (1)

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